time for a change...that is my life yo...

what if...

2012-02-03T20:49:00.002-07:00

you knew where i came from...and remembered...

what if...
the spaces between us emptied themselves
into a driftless void
where the hands of time dissolved each other
and eyes of laughter

filled the starry sky

what if...
the questions you have
tinkled down

towards towering waves
engulfing the eyelids
of our dreams

and woke with the dawn
of scraping metal on the

buildings of ego
til
you forgot you had forgotten

what if...
the only way down was up

and through meant backwards
to the darkness

the breath of fire searing the edges
of canvased memories

stapled to our fingernails

what if...
you saw me

the reflection of illusion staring back
at you

a million you's
and an interpreted understand no longer

texted itself into your mind

what if...

there were no what if's

i love you

there is nothing else

before me

what is thai yoga?

2011-12-03T21:16:00.002-07:00

this is the question of the year eh? for me anyway. ive been learning this form of yoga all year and when you have to market yourself, well you start to question what you know, how to say what you know and how to say it clearly, quickly and genuinely all at the same time. of course making it interesting is important too - why? because it is so interesting to me.

what do i like about thai yoga?

what do i know about thai yoga?

what is thai yoga?

ok, here goes.

Thai yoga is a therapy based in a system of medicine that is over 2500 years old in Thailand. What I have been learning is that most of the medicine in the world over and throughout history is all mixed together. MOst medicine is a mix and combination of many other medicines. there is no one unique modality that didnt come from everywhere. For example, in ayurveda the three doshas come from the idea the greeks had about the three humours. There are several forms of ayurveda. Thai ayurveda is a combo of Indian classical ayurveda and tibetan buddhist concepts with nature cure, etc. The more i learn about all this the more exciting it is to me. why? because it makes so much sense. it makes sense that there is no one origin of each type of medicine. it makes sense that people share ideas constantly and have consistently done so throughout the years of humans being on this earth.

Thai yoga's main modality is what people here in the west know as "lazy man's yoga" or "thai massage". I, as the therapist, put you the client into yoga postures. You are on the mat. we are both clothed, unless we dont want to be (but that's another story like if you want to use oil, etc.). You as the client focus on breath and letting go-like being dead weight. The more you can let go, the further release you get.

In thailand, sessions last way longer than here. Why? because it is based in healing. figuring out what the cause is and using natural medicine - nature cure to solve the puzzles. so a session can be anywhere from 9-12 hours. that is a relative amount of time. here in the states, dr. james, who studied extensively in thailand and was one of the first phalangs (foreigners) to be inducted into a thai lineage (of a school that is over 1000 years old Buddhai Sawan)...decided to make this style compatible here, he could divide it into 7 sessions. It is more like a series. I love this idea. Why? because we get to know each other.

Therapy is about healing. Healing happens through exchange. Exchange with yourself to develop a deeper awareness of what's going on in your own body but also a deeper awareness of how open you are to sharing yourself with someone else who is willing to facilitate a healing space for you (the therapist). It is an exchange both ways. As a therapist, it is crucial that I continue to work on and develop awareness within myself because it allows me to understand you as the client to a greater degree and allows my stuff and my issues to not get in the way because I have been working through them and therefore am not as attached to them in any particular session.

When i work on myself and issues come up for you, I have emptier hands to hold space for you. What does that mean? Well, I have space to not get triggered and be more neutral to your stuff, whether it's physical or mental or emotional. This neutrality allows me to observe, to ask questions that might make you consider aspects of yourself or your life from another perspective.

To go on another tangent, what do i like about the thai yoga sessions? well, i love to connect with people. Not only do we talk and exchange verbally, but on the mat, there is a nonverbal exchange. Communicating body to body is an amazing experience. You learn things about each other that would be impossible to learn through words and language. It is another language that is fun to learn and explore.

I like that in Thai Yoga, everyone has a different experience. It is such a powerful healing system that each person, including myself has very interesting expereinces. Some people I've worked with have been helped a great deal with their physical body-working on their nutrition, etc. Some people have had great pain reduction with arthritis. Some have been able to detox through getting over smoking, for example. Others I have worked with have had great insights into emotional struggles they have had for a while. It is all so fun to work through stuff with others.

Thai yoga pushes me and challenges me in new ways every time i practice it. It offers me a way to exchange and give to others. I can share an aspect of my life that i currently really enjoy. It is so beneficial to my own health to practice the asanas keeping me strong in mind and body.

So yeah...here were just a few words of the experience of thai yoga for me.

If you are interested in more check out thaiyogawithlydia.com or www.thaiyogacenter.com

Learning Thai YOga was to date one of the best decisions I have made. It is not life changing because every decision we make is life changing. Each moment in our lives is new and each time we breathe we are changing our lives. So yes it is life changing and no it is no more life changing than the words i am putting down right now. Breathe. Love. Hugs. So glad to connect.

check out my new blog

2011-11-30T20:16:00.001-07:00

foodwithlydia.blogspot.com

written sept 15, 2009

2011-10-20T19:01:00.000-06:00

i posted this 2 years ago: "again, i love you with a love i didnt create…a love that exists between us simply because it does and not because it is trying to be acquired or taken or even given. i want to open to the reality that love exists even when we dont acknowledge it and opening to the moment by letting go and letting it be reveals that the love has always been there." -hugs and smiles.

i was told...

2011-10-10T23:48:00.003-06:00

that i get to meet you soon...i have to face my darkness...the darkness within me...that place that i dont want to see, watch, look at...

i was told you'll be there to support me...after i dance through the tougher moments, you;ll show me some new things, new people...what i need next...

thankyou.

everday...

2011-10-09T08:01:00.003-06:00

I am objective consciousness.
I am self aware. I self remember.
I am a mover and a pusher. I am determined,
persistent and do not give up.
To enable love to manifest into reality. I am a
compassionate and joyful being,
who gives freely.
I am humor.
The possibility of living life in laughter,
a complete expression of sexual creativity.

The possibility of working a scope of practice
as that or greater than the big JC.
To be positive. To be luminous. A lightweaver.
A light reader.

Mastering the arts of thai yoga, muay thai, and tai chi.
I use my gifts to heal and protect.

To work and study with medicine women and men,
I value culture.
Meeting beings where illusion falls away. I am a healer.
I am a warrior, a goddess strong in will and clear in vision.

I am clarity. The potential, the reality of understanding
and being the Energy
within and without. Harnessing
Energy to transform and transmute.

I am on purpose. I am infinite potential.

I am a breaker of unproductive patterns.
I am a community builder and lover.
i am an intelligent storer and an efficient user of Energy. I am esoteric.

I dance...
in a company of in tune beings.

The possibility of practice and work. From now until January i see
15-20 clients for the Therapeutic Day. I teach what I am and am what i teach.
I learn what i teach and teach what i learn.

To learn medicine. 5 years, I am a DOM, an AMD, an ND/PMD and a bridger of nature cure
and culture.

I communicate. To enable creativity to break through my present obstacles. I heal myself
as others become part and whole of my nows.
To cut through and see my own Haruka I increase knowledge and being.
Giving and loving generously, on purpose.

A different being recreating daily I am unrecognizable,
with greater being. I have clear and focused laser beam vision.

My aims my goals my desires and my joys are one.

i have joie de vivre.
i increase joie de vivre.

i will heal as i am healed. i am sex ~ life's energy whispering
behind darkest moments
infinite potential.

To learn. I study under those who are masters of reality,
willing to be broken down amidst and among anyone and any being
for the purpose of breaking our samsaric cycle.

I am a sustainer. Not once or twice but a
million and one times i come back. I
keep coming back until all are broken free.

i am sunshine to myself and others.

i am complete. I am unity. Laughter that destroys life
unlived to die fully
and be the created stardust of emptiness.

I am metaphors. Singing through tears
I soften to the sword.
I am destruction. Worst enemy I stand
before what needs not be anymore.

i am gratitude. i am a dancer
rhythm international
movement taught to me by masters
experts who breathe life into ugly moments.

i am determined. in moments of
greatest resistance i remain. i am on the other side.
i am the keys to the locked doors. i am
the hammer pounding down the walls.

I walk amongst the ordinary, the unrecognizable,
the unknown.
I recognize those of #7. i am responsibility.
Death is my companion until its illusion
becomes permeated with a multitude of fire eyes
infinitely crashing against the waves
of the great void.

I am.

take me home

2011-08-10T20:30:00.003-06:00

im doing it all wrong
you ask me
i cant

a wall is building around me
the bricks i try to smash
they just come closer
stacking into
the untrained
far reaches of
a mind i call real

what is real
beneath me feet is nothing
i stand crumpled in a heap
take me

withered and alone
in the unreality of my suffering

where is the hand
reaching out to grab hold of
im
falling

leading
nowhere

where once
i thought a smile
would last
i lost my
smile

destroy
my

life

breathing forgotten
gasping

desperately
slow
motion
heavy i wade

through the mire

i worked so hard to
build

let go

let

go

flying
into

emptiness
hold

me

love.

i can see your smile.

take me home

61011

2011-08-10T20:22:00.002-06:00

'its refreshing to know you. its like a tropical rainstorm'

you opened the door
to a dialogue i've been
waiting
to dance into

taking a leap into
my fears i hesitate
to
fly

i wanna grasp at
the strings
dangling in illusion
and dont remember
i have fire
wings

spread them radiating
love from
every tear
fill me
envelop

live for each
other ~ the teabag
whispered smiling to me
thanx.

letting go i feel
the release of walls built
of imaginary
bricks scraping
against...

did you just step
into my
beautiful mess?
are you sure?

ma raison d'etre est l'amour
mais
pourquoi
je ne le fait pas?

never hardly
ever

i
i
i
watching them
shift in and
out fighting
for the front
row
most attention

drawing my fingers
across
the lines of
your
silence.

6911

2011-08-07T08:52:00.002-06:00

you have sent me reaching for my toes
but all i see
is
emptiness.
lost
in the space
of time i cant
hold on to.

distracted by the un
reality of my norm.
on the white papered sheet
of this moment, the lines of
my paradigms take
my
fear in every direction.

and then truth
rips
itself across my
unpainted canvas
stuck
in yesterday's moment.

nighttime was 6611. this is 6811

2011-08-07T08:48:00.001-06:00

a message to love

silver irridescence transcends the dust beneath my aching feet.
angels speak a language of fire
purifying our tangled balls of confusing
pain.
waiting for your answer i squat
down hugging
close to the nurture of earth's brimstone core.

you melt and dissolve my realities,
collapsing
paradigms broken
by the silence of death's
chaos.
fucking chaos. struck
by one breath dipped
in love.

question me not.
destroy me. shred
the skin of my fear from
my rotting body. kiss
the brilliance of
your black hole through
this vortex of eternal nows.

transform.
may the sunrise of your love
follow the darkness of night's tomorrow.

nighttime

2011-08-07T08:42:00.002-06:00

waiting yearning for a moment to share the wandering mosaics
i hide from you.
cracks
in the painting. drips
of rain down my spine
as i sweat through the night.
dancing in the spotlight i wonder.
the stars remind me of the dust i come from ~
ganesh
i feel an awkward tear squeezing its way down my wrinkled misery
as a cliff of expectations tumbles into your dancing sea.
a breath
a sigh, a connection missed amongst the clouded thots tossed aimlessly across my memory

clarity come to me
not so i can see better
i want to relearn love
love
engulf me in your whispered

silence

tear me to pieces. pierce
my stubborn my fucking stubborn pride
that wont give you all i have.
nothing. i come
but my hands arent empty.

teach me gently. please.
i live your breath and yet spit
my ugliness
into your laughing eyes. you laugh more
thankyou.
i love you. again. again and again
til the night fades and star dust fills us.

here's the thing

2011-07-07T23:47:00.003-06:00

we go in and out...where does it all go? where does it all come from? the illusions boggle my mind and round and round i go spinning into a dance, a trance of monotony blurring my vision so that i suddenly feel like this is my normal...i remember sitting in art class wondering so many of the same questions i know now there are practical answers to. a different lifetime it seems, bright eyed in a dreariness of what i did not think i could look forward to. forward now looking back and wondering...rain drops keep falling on my head, but that doesnt mean my eyes will soon be turning red, cryin's not for me, no, i'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'...because i'm free...nothin's worryin' me...songs drift in my direction as i catch them like little butterflies...fairies touch the twinkling starlight of my imagination pulling me into sparkly places i step out of seeing that sparkly things are not even a minute essence of our potential.
where did it go? into my present and out...just like that...gone. questions linger in the air i breathe. so many pushes into distractions i dont understand. where do i begin? here. breathe. deep into the belly. smiling feels like incense wafting across my face. my belly fills me to pieces broken onto sundried clay strewn across the memories of my time. pretending to make sense in a world hidden with illusions. what fears keep us here without moving to a centre that reaches beyond us into a place we can't even imagine or fathom?
stolen, was it stolen from our fleeting minds as we stepped out of stardust into dirt's playfulness? who knows.
pain tells me i'm here. breath breathes potential through my being and the heartbeat of earth's core beats into mine. thankyou.

who are you

2011-04-07T02:05:00.003-06:00

i ask again and again and again. multiple lifetimes pass and the question remains. unanswered as a mysterious enigma and completely and utterly known., i see you. the cracks you so desperately think are worth trying to fix. let go. the crumbling around your fear falls like a fountain of star dust crushing you into a million yeses. dont you see? cant you hear? here. now. this. you. let it go. for so long, so many moments are wrought with the angst of not knowing what you know. seeing the keys as a vaulted lock. you are the wave that crashes against the granite carving the essence of life into its entirety. haruka. come to me. death calls me day in and out. do i listen? the reflections around me mirror my fear, who has control? who is reading your mind? the colors flash across the screen of my memories once created and grasping with such intensity the pain becomes the only reality.
i agree. and yet you cant understand. i come prostrate...bearing my naked presence, the horror of facing the unknown realizing when you open your eyes, only beauty exists, the ugliness we saw permeates our ever present now with millions of angel eyes searing the chains off our hearts.
cryptic messages strewn across the walls of our monotonous days. you hear a bird, i hear a rapturous melody of war and love engulfing the gloves of the universe.
words, not enough, and everything there is. emptiness, the void, the effortless loneliness our collective consciousness perceives as truth. the loneliness of utter purity in presence, when loneliness becomes sacred, paradigms explode bleeding across the torn pieces of our world.
nauseous goes through the nite, i only hope a shift tags along. i dont know whats next. i only know that so many levels of you are here with me and the change within our evershifting existential nows keep us floating in the mysterious doors of the in between.
farewell. i welcome you death. tear me to pieces that i may bring to you what we wait for together.

breathing into

2010-09-07T16:14:00.003-06:00

do you get me? do you get how deep my longing goes for what already lies present in my existence. the depth of curiosity i have for exploring seemingly foolish ideas to many yet playfully adventurous to me? can you sit with me and see eye to eye in the vast emptiness of time and space and feel what could be, what already is, and the perfection of the imperfect moment? i long to see through you and for you to see me deeper than my borders, deeper than the walls i put up. i want to melt in your vulnerability and in your openness to dancing through the waves with me. i want to breathe into you and you into me. i felt the connection but there was something else that got sticky in the middle.
is it me? is it because i keep seeing what i feel like is missing? is there something missing or am i missing what is abundantly living around and through me?
the abundance of...i want to smile...the lack of...makes my head hurt...my kidneys tell me there are threads that weave deeper than i am willing to admit...fear...of which i am still unawares or maybe its a conscious choice.
what would happen if i gave myself more time. if i gave myself that emptiness. the space between each thought, each breath, to know that it all weaves together. the lack i feel is the abundance i live.
i want you to tell me something my own understanding is laughing gently at waiting for me to open to itself and let go into the flow.
i feel sadness, the paigns of attachment to what once was...and a feeling a need a desire to recreate that which i choose only to see half of.
but that is the silliness in life. what is now is so much more than a past that does not exist. a past that i keep alive in a string of meaningless thoughts...words...ideas...about a day i never had.
what is today? i feel a tingling in my left side under my ribs with a tightnes in the left side of my neck and streaming down my left side. up into head. my belly is full and i sit here on the edge of decision not understanding the swelling within. i will rest. i will breathe. i will take in what is now and feel into this moment. change is here. change is my friend. i love ... love is all

feeling ready is something ive never felt...

2010-08-27T23:37:00.002-06:00

except in my imagination, or maybe my intuition of another time
of the potential of myself if i let go now...
im tired...i came here willing to write...a letter to myself from before, from after, to now...mostly from after...and now i have ceased to sit still to write...instead i have searched, yearned, longed for with attachment, and it is time for bed my friend. it must be done another time. breathe and know that its not gonna be ok because it already is. it truly already is ok. i love you. i still do.

2010-07-20T22:47:00.002-06:00

humm..ho...who are you? youve suddenly fallen into my lap, in step with my wobbles, tho i try to take long smooth strides to hide the stumbles...i dont want you to see some parts of me right now. i like the view that i think you see. the glasses ive given you right now'll do just fine. but secretly id be cool for you to see straight through me. shed the glasses, smash them to pieces, take me and dance across the failures, the crumbling against the wall, show me yours...and together we see each other. eye to eye, depth to ugliness and back again...seeing the beauty in our fear, the realness in the foibles...i want to know that you are here for depth, that you seek what you know exists, that the unreachable can be experienced even right now, right here, alone, together.
<knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.>> -she wrote. i love that. yelling to the silver of the moon yes. yelling yes with a dance not because there is nothing to be sad about, yes to the riches of waves wringing themselves out into seas of emotion, of the craziness of life. the quiet moments mingled and tingled with eyes of excitement over silly stretches of sand and broken glass...awkward smiles followed by curling eyelashes of delight.
my knees ache, they quietly follow my moves, yet desire to move freely, effortlessly through the tides of stretching, strengthening, care.

cardamon and nutmeg always dispel awkwardness.

yep. i agree.

2010-06-02T19:34:00.003-06:00

to you life. i agree. yep. the heat. the ugliness that tends to be quite beautiful and more real sometimes than the flower. tho i have to admit the flower gets me everytime. dancing. its like breathing harder during a hike and realize WHAT?! how did i forget life in the breath? how did i forget running so im out of breath (well that might not be such a good thing literally-depending on your perspective i guess) makes me feel like im 10 running through crashing waves that i squeal through yelling at the sky because i can do and be anything when i grow up. yes!~ i agree to that. will asked me if i believed jumping to the moon was possible today. he's 10. i said yes. and he said he agreed (he seemed glad about my response). it was a very sophisticated few exchanges between us and very important i think for both of us to partake in. i agree. you my friend mean more to me than i normally seem to show. i cant believe how much sunshine there is to find in the treasure hunt through the seeming darkness...maybe its just cuz we are closing our eyes. opening them makes me smile. really big. with teeth. smile harder! fake laugh using all the vowels...huhuhu hihihi hyjyjyjy...yeah yeah. youki, my darling kitty i miss you. i cant wait to see you and have you know exactly the meanign to life and silently actually no you are really talkative i forgot. yeah i wanna hear you talk about all the wise things in life. blue. i like the blue on this page. on this screen actually. theres a lot of idffernt shades..close to cerulean my favorite. if my favorite color wasnt yellow it would be cerulean i think. you cant really go wrong with that. EVER. socks to jump out of because joy or surprise...heheh..hitting your head cuz you were so happy you jumped so high and hit the tree. pikinje's fibers making the heart pulses work or leaves on the tree of the electric stuff happening in our hearts...yay anatomy. i agree. i agree to that. suffering. i agree. you have brought me more awareness that i thot was possible and more awareness about the potential of awareness im excited to discover and know exists right now outside of time and space. yes. to changing moods faster than the ocean tides. one minute filled with vibrations of energy excitement and crazy joy joy love falling off to bummed out of my mind into a muddy pile at the bottom of an old dirty pool...yes ugliness you bring me back...constantly knocking on the door of my reality telling me dude. seriously. think again. this is just cuz you have a good imagination. whats reality? you want the mud? here ill rub it in your face. it can be fun or you can be afraid. the choice is yours. and then the roadrunner runs by--heheh making me laugh. yes i agree.
im not sure what else to say.
i think ill go start to pack now. or drink some water and think about food-whats for dinner? ...i agree.

mmmm

2010-04-15T21:05:00.002-06:00

im chewing on some 'fourteener' sprouted bread, and its absolutely delicious. hulu. lost. 9:13pm. sittin gknees up at the table. booth rather. whole foods. natalie king cole singing. typing. cool air breezes across my arm skin. a birdfaced woman talks on the phone in front of me at another booth. 66 occupancy sign above me. gorgeous orchids athe floral section. security guard wanders around. now what. smiling. smiles. full belly.

cerrulean is my favorite color crayon

2010-01-01T22:22:00.002-07:00

stranger i just looked into your eyes, eyes of a little kid so curious to know more. i wish i could be in your head in that second. i dont think i will ever talk to you yet there was a connection for that small moment.
moments out of time, as i sit here on a velvet couch surrounded by you. in who knows how many personalities floating along oblivious to each other yet somehow knowing we are all here. we know we choose to stay in our own bubbles of life. i look around and i am completely separate from you, who is in your own world, with your own stuff. what am i doing here? headphones on, i see you over there, you saw me when i walked in, blond, you look you like really liked the 80s cuz your still part of it with your style and flipped blond hair, sipping your latte and staring in this direction. um. what have you been up to? ill prolly never talk to you. how many of you think of love, of ideals in life that can make life better. can life be better than it is? and how? do we really need to change anything? is that the issue, that we want to change things? change is always happening, so how can there be more change than there is? what about the way we see, the way i look around? i look around, i see you, i see your eyes and i look away. somehow i see privacy. a need to be alone and yet a desperation in loneliness. you disappeared. even the chair you were sitting it. where did it go? we get so wrapped up in our own lives. our own thoughts, our own conversations. what does it mean to love the unloveable. who is unloveable? is it worth it to love them? who defines that term? are they untouchable? am i boring you? am i boring myself? whats my point. there is a zen like quality to the feeling of having earphones hugging my ears, in silences, while mr man sings through the speakers of satellite coffee seeping into ears that arent listening and mouths that taste what they choose, fear, joy, deliciousness, not enough, it shouldnt be like this you think, i wanna be different i think, what makes our thoughts right? what makes me right and you wrong or vice versa? who decides? i see your hand, they have held that of another for almost three hours, in tenderness while each of you continues in your own thoughts to study, i am curious as to what you are reading, as your eyes searching across the page for a puzzle to put together so that you can feel success in the next step, my toes want to dance in the sauconeys that snuggle them into the velvet ottoman hanging out and chilling like it tends to do because that is its purpose. purpose? really? everywhere i look is a photograph. a song. a story. unwritten yet permeating space and time. will this moment in space and time be remembered? by whom? the words on this page put it down like a typewriter that cant erase. writing with a spoonpen across the room, i see you, your glasses span the freckles of your face as your cerrulean shirt keeps you buttoned into your coffeemaking, dessert stacking movements. cracking your neck, is their stress you are trying to release?
i was told families can have similar body misalignments like all having the same disfunction, but it can be changed with posture. is that true? why do i believe the thoughts that tell me im not good enough? why dont i believe the thoughts that tell me love is the most real existence i can experience? is it not good enough for this moment? i look around, smileless, and then i smile and a softness fills my cheeks as they rise in celebration at life and it makes my throat chuckle in unison with my eyes. life life life. cliches are strewn about the memories of my moments. i need to sleep soon. i work tomorrow for you. a stranger. i talk to you every once and a while. hows the weather, smoething about this or that at work. im the receptionist so you come hang out in the front of the office, why not. a need for connection is tangible every day i see you. yet somehow it is ignored. we need to make $$, a fathomless enigma that we have made a necessity of survival that drives our nervous systems.
i want to love you. i want to feel connection to my breath. to you. to smiles. to your eyes. to the feeling of my back on the seat, the plush velvet that has sat many bums...heehee...wonder how many conversations have taken place where i write. type. into the netherlands of an abyss...i like the word abyss. i remember using it in high school to describe well thats another story. another day. i breathe into your breathe you simply exhaled. lines. circles. squares. crayons. cerrulean is my favorite. it reminds me of me when a smile came more simply. over knowing a favorite color and using it...i want to love you. i love you.

enrapturing raptors of mysterious life

2009-12-12T23:00:00.004-07:00

vultures...the sky is lit up with life. i once looked up the symbolism of vultures and it was death and rebirth...i dont know why but i feel like i cant quite explain the meaning, the depth of connection i first had with vultures in africa, in busua ghana in fact. it was dec 2004 nearing the end of one year birthing into the next. i was completely enraptured by a group of scavengers near a dumpster, ironically i have turned into one myself during the darkness of the nite and little headlamps guiding the footsteps of curious imaginative and quite hungry little munchkins exploring what is considered the left overs of life to others...they were gathered around a big green dumpster, partially open. i felt like i couldnt get close enough. my Nikon N80 was my very best friend tho some thot it was the devil's eye when i shot it in their direction, apparently thats was some told me when i captured life amidst what some consider the 'dark continent' but to me was a time and space of light and laughter growing up.
every time a glance of one of those creatures came into my vision, i had my camera ready to pounce. they were intriguing their mysterious ways of life, of recycling, of knowing, they knew so much i didnt. vultures teach me what you know. i want to figure you out through the lens of my extended eye. i took almost two rolls of them one day on the beach. weeks later when i got them back, the pictures from walmart, somehow the magic of them faded as the continent had faded through the clouds when i drifted away over the land and sea to paris...a journey back to my new space and time for the next generation of my life. i have so much to tell...yet something is stopping me...alas. i shall repose to memories in my dreams...to newness, the creative spirit of those flying high and surrounding me with a love i try to understand but cannot because its not a search that finds love, but a release and letting go into...well thats up to you to experience and decide. you know i love you. take care.

flowers...yep.

2009-12-11T11:47:00.002-07:00

flowers have been a ggrrrrreat help to me in the past few weeks. oh so i prolly havent told you. im in massage school now in new mexico. yep i finally moved out here since thinking about it all year. its great to be here. there is soo much opportunity for fun outdoorsy things. flowers and animals...ooo i saw a roadrunner about a week after getting here. it didnt move though. we were just passing by in a car. cant wait to see it jet out and start laughing really hard. did i tell you wherever i go i think or sort of imagine an animal that 'takes care of me' or is my 'guide'. ok so yes it sounds cheesy but anything to make life fun and interesting is fun and interesting! :D so the roadrunner dude. hes the guy for me here in new mexcio. when i was in north carolina horses were there for me. they were such great teachers too...at trails carolina...working with them and the kids. i LOVED learning about how extremely intuitive they are. they are such incredible amazing and beautiful animals oh my goooooooddddnesss. here is where i put lots of !!!!!!! when i was little i used to get really excited when i wrote letters to people and would put a !! after every sentence!!! try reading every sentence outloud with a! at the END! you have to almost YELL! its gREAT! i love YOU! how bout THAT! man it mustve been funny being my sister, she told me when i wrote her emails in college that is how i would write them. welp my friend needs the computer so i gotta GO! ill make this more interseting LATER!! but first lemme say the other animals for other places ive been...started when i went out to idaho for SUWS. my animal was the rattle snake, then in mexico it was the vulture..i have cool stories about that one too...you just WAIT!

this was from sept 1

2009-10-01T11:28:00.002-06:00

Hello,
What is this state im in? im completely bored and don’t wanna go outside because I feel like I have a lot to do. When I walk in my room I get overwhelmed. Im really tempted to go to the store, buy some shit and in front of a crappy movie and then fall asleep only to wake up in a similar state feeling bad about myself for not going to a yoga class and wasting time or something. I search and search and search on the internet for a job or something. Ive gone through this many times before where months or weeks go by and im just sitting here on the internet looking for a job. And I don’t find one. Ahhh. I keep looking for something. What do I want. Maybe I should write about my intentions.

Some intentions I have.
I want to live in a space that is open, quiet surroundings with green preferably inside and out (plants inside, trees/grass outside). I want to live with people who are like minded and who can keep boundaries without being passive aggressive. Who don’t take me too seriously but are willing to be honest and blunt with me. I want to live in a place I can bike places. I want to have a bike that I can ride to like a store or something or coffee shop. I want to have a job where I work with tweeners or kids in older elementary school. I want to be able to teach yoga regularly at least 2 times a week. I want to be able to take yoga classes regularly at least 5 times a week without having to pay. I want to live simply when it comes to food where I can basically live from day to day eating very similar and basic things. I want to develop routines of meditating in the morning and night and doing yoga on my own. I want to live in a way that I am inspired to do art.

I think I can go clean my room now for a bit and then see what happens…toodles.

what to write now...hmmm

2009-09-20T13:42:00.003-06:00

ive had several experiences this year i thot would never happen or that i wouldnt even be interested in taking part in, and yet they happened and im thankful. i understand bits and pieces of the world, of humanity i didnt before. not that its necessary to always understand every bit and piece of humanity for example what goes through a murderers mind. i wouldnt want to murder in order to find that out...obviously.
boring....
ive been on bedrest since i came back from ct. its kind of annoying but then again im learning quite a bit about myself and what im like, within, without relationships, living in my friends room, taking up room, taking up space, letting it be ok to be taken care of the first day, wondering about whats next. whats next in this transition for me. where will i be taken, where will i take myself.
its most rediculous how many hundreds of perspectives on everything there is in life especially in spirituality and religion. sex, ethics. and to each their own. and yet each person thinks they are right and there are hundreds more ways of looking at it and thinking its right...
how do we know/ do we know. we each choose what to believe, what to make of our lives. what have i chosen? existentialism and cynicism have been so intriguing to me especially growing up because they were in such start constrast to the way of believing everything was perfect if and only if you believed or else HELL...i luv you or i send you to hell. damn yo. damn. and yet thats only one way of looking at it. someone once said spirituality and religion is the only part of my life where i suspend belief and let it be irrational...how why would you do that? i mean, isnt that crucial to sensibility, to rationality of any part of your life? maybe not, for me yes oh yes it is. and yet i fall into that pattern of dreaming and hoping my dreams, my hopes, my wishes are more real than my physical reality, that what is actually here and happening now.
so much is in our head. soo soo soo much is in our head. what is realin our head/ are our dreams more real than when we wake up? who knows what the reality is. whats what. being ungrounded is frightening, fun, and makes you feel upside down and inside out. its exploratory space of infinite possiblities within the limits of our own minds and consciousnesses that it.
can our consciousnessses be limitless? i dont even know if im sure what that means. what are fields of consciousness? im curious. can we hop from one to the other playfully. where is the discipline in all this? are there basic truths that have got humans through it all? love. love is essential right? or do we keep telling ourselves that. in experience, yes love is essential. what is experience. what the fuck is experience? we put labels on what is unlabelable and then those labels limit what actually is or what potential there is. man if only i could express myself outside of words yet in them. how the hell would i do that. who the f knows really. well tata for now. strangers among us.

theres two of you

2009-09-19T18:54:00.002-06:00

two of you. strangers to me. do i know one and not the other. do i not know either? why the angst. for what. a need for what. to fill something? to accept love im not accepting in myself? from myself? to myself. that im not giving myself? how do i give love to myself the way i want to receive it from others? thats an interesting question i telly you. vurry vurry interesting. because its quite different in realm, in reality, in the physcial emotional reality of the thing. suddenly things happen. i dont understand but flowing makes it feel like an adventure. acupuncture made me a believer today, yesserie bob. of my knee. instant and very quivk healing. amazing really. to confirm yet again an intuitino ive had about alternative medicine, chinese meds to be precise. or more the intention behind it. i mean ive been on bedrest since smashing it however i have not given it the comfort the meditative stillness i know it needs and well i was in the acupuncture room for an hour by myself after needles were put in my head, ears, toes, knees, etc. one drew a little blood even in my toe but apparently tahts a good thing for that specific needle to do.
ok enough of that. reappearances in my life. of you and then there is well goodness, angst, love, joy, restlessness, invigoration, and interestingly enough not too much of the nonsense negative stuff i usually moan and groan about. is this a mtn top i will fall off soon? i guess i need to prepare myself for that because that is a definite patternin my life and the valley is just as low in depth as the mtn is high in height. meditate lyds. meditate. the usual advice i intuitively give myself and deny myself of over and over again.
why do we deny ourselves the very things that will heal us? why is cynicism so much easier for me than optimism? actually these days optimism has taken its turn and it is feeling better but very unnerving and ungrounding, besides the fact that yet again im homeless (staying witha dear friend), jobless and in transtion.
my life is transition. why dont i ever get that? change happens throughout our moments. what is a moment anyway. it is a stop a period in space and time where change doesnt exist. how do we define our moments and put lines around them? i mean we think linearly in time right. lines lines lines. i like circles. im beginning to like circles, the curves of my own body, thank god. finally, but it comes ever so slowly. patience and nurturing without expectations. openness to what is. sometimes i feel frustrated at how i can write esorterrically but not really know exactly what i mean or really apply it to the next moment when my fingers are not hurriedly scrambling across the keyboard to get out my racing river of thots.
is this good for now? i kinda wanna see it on my blog so ill stop.

beautiful beings

2009-09-16T22:28:00.002-06:00

dance around life beating their wings of love and suffering all mixed together. i have spent several love filled days with family. who ive projected so much onto in the past and when i could let htat go, there is love. oh so much love. studying the wrinkles in time on my grandma's face makes me wanna to snuggle into her wisdom. seeing my mom, cute short little unassuming mom who is wise beyond her 58 years. yes beyond that and her interest and deep curiosity on my journey, my path in exploring life's truths and my own self proclaimed failures. my papa who i spent many wonderful hours exclaiming joyously about nature as we backpacked in the white mountains, seeing falls, moose tracks, white berries with florescent pink stems, rocking rivers, dehydrated eggs for breakfast, hot chocolate and reading before bed to each other. those are precious moments that have caught my memory and will stay there until they float on. the videos and pictures capture some of the no they hardly do.

i luv you. i dont know who you are. i luv you. you suffer each day. you feel like you are in a bottomless pit. you see the sun and dance because you know life is worth living. then you sit down to coffee and write about the sea and rhythms. you play the drums like an angel and use your hands to make works of magnificent art that are very practical too around the house. i luv you who feels like you are alone in the world. i luv you who feels like you are not worth loving. guess what. i luv you. why? because the luv i have is everywhere. open your eyes, listen. do you hear it. can you taste it on your tongue. the beauty? the ugliness of life? its all mixed intogheter like splattered paint on a canvas and sometimes it is purely abstract and sometimes it is a labyrinth of extraordinary i dont know things perhaps?

angst. i feel angst. in the form of jittery flutterings throughout my body. from my solar plexus to my toes, writhing through my fingers as i transfer thot to tangible letters into an intangible ethernet of jumbles and jumbles of humanity's mass communications or really lack there of in many ways of the ignorance. wow this is really stream of consciousness. i need to sleep before i fly fly into the next moment in time and space located in asheville where i will find friends waiting for me and love them love them love them. also i luv you. did i not say that already?

i want to express the depth of my being but am not quite sure how that can transfer to anything tangible. and yet i search for tangible rational answers to the meaning of life. interesting i say. vurry intrasting.

im willing to admit...i put a profile up on okcupid and actually made some good friends...

2009-09-01T09:31:00.002-06:00

and here are things i posted while on it...im deleting my profile but i wanted to keep some of my writings so why not here eh??

Jul 24
krishnamurti-a wise man? well he makes me think

We go to the well with a thimble

Life is so rich, has so many treasures, we go to it with empty hearts; we do not know how to fill our hearts with the abundance of life. We are poor inwardly and when the riches are offered to us, we refuse. Love is a dangerous thing, it brings the only revolution that gives complete happiness. So few of us are capable of love, so few want love. We love on our own terms, making of love a marketable thing. We have the market mentality and love is not marketable, a give-and-take affair. It is a state of being in which all man's problems are resolved. We go to the well with a thimble and so life becomes a tawdry affair, puny and small.

Letters to a Young Friend - 7

my question: is making us think by telling us how negatively we live life...positive? do you make someone think positive by telling them they think negatively??

Jul 21
ego booster

yep i admit. okc is more of an ego booster than any feel or sense of fulfillment in any real sense. whatever the word real means. it seems like a hope or something to distract myself from the sense of feeling or being alone sometimes so instead i go to a place that doesnt actually exist and search out a sense of fulfillment by searching and trying to read into meaning or try to analyze or make up meaning...hmmm...sounds like a lot of other parts in my life. yep. distracting myself from the simplicity of the moment, from the why the hell not be here in this moment yo and breathe and discover what it means to observe self without analyzation or any other labeling crap. just be and let be...somehow that seems sounds and reads as really boring. i really wish it werent cuz it also somehow seems like where thered be a lot of answers if i was willing to stop and go there...rather be here...now...damn it.

Commented Jul 21
What a fantastic post. I love seeing people in the middle of self-awareness - it's a wonderful gift to give to those of us paying attention. So see, you're for a good reason - giving others hope for this messed up world. Thank you.

Commented Jul 21
This was a really wonderful read this morning. Thanks :)

Jul 3
you've been added to his favorites list...

mmm...should that make me feel special or something? sometimes i wonder why i am even on this...i mean seriously. so ive had some good conversations and such...and a bit more than that...

right now it feels poopy to post myself like this and have people compliment me who know absolutely shit about me. seriously. of course im gonna lie and put shit forward -and by lie i mean only picking certain things i want to show about myself. so who the fuck cares ya know? did i tell you im bulimic (id like to think im recovering), take meds for being bipolar (tho thats more of a self diagnosis), and depressed? ok. so not so attractive anymore eh? nope didnt think so.

yeah we are all fucked up. right now im feeling it quite a bit and after working with a bunch of rich kids who are ridiculously fucked up and dont care about changing at all makes life seem a bit strange...

rejection sucks but what sucks more is avoiding life and relaity. avoiding the uncomfortableness of feelings i dont wanna feel or sensationsin my body i immediately label as bad, avoided, should be gotten rid of unless i eat or sleep it off or something. we always think there is someone out there for us...poop on that because ya know what...if you cant be happy with yourself, why the hell are you gonna put that pressure on someone else to make you happy. only you can make yourself happy. and if you cant do it by yourself then....yur in trouble and your relationships wont last or be fulfilling anyway. if we all just faced ourselves and our own loneliness which will never go away no matter how much we run from it to others, well i think we'd all get along a little better and the violence wthin ourselves and our relationships mite diminish a bit. enough to smile more than once or twice.

thats all dude. thats it for now...

May 21
a note from my sister on my blog
I'm at the edge of this thought. I can't quite jump into the middle of the sheet and bounce around, but it's something like: just cuz you do what you do or have done what you have done, just because it is or has been destructive in one way or another, it doesn't mean anything about you you. It doesn't add judgement or color or character or non-character or strength or weakness or beautiful or ugly or potential or not potential to you. It just is. And that's all. It's nothing to feel anything about, in particular. I don't know. I'm still trying to grasp exactly what I see the tip off, maybe the more I talk, the more of the sheet I'll be able to grab. anyway....does it make any sense? I guess I'm saying it also isn't a failure. You shouldn't look at it like a failure or a weakness or anything like that. It's just another thread in the quilt of your life and recovery is a different color thread, and...hmmmm...It's not a reason not to keep your chin up and look people straight in the eye, anyway. By the way, I love the article you sent us today. I just read it on break from start to finish. Did you see that she quoted the Oriah Mountain Dreamer (that thing I found in college and fell in love with B.M. for, without realizing that it wasn't him, but the thing he read that made me fall in love?)... yOu know, "I want to know if you can sit with suffering, mine and yours, and do nothing to fix it, change it, move it" or something like that. Anyway, love you (it rings so nicely off my silent tongue). Lata.

May 21
hugs are nice
a hug would be nice right about now...i like hugs. why dont we as humans touch each other more...and why does any form of touch these days only seem to be related to some sort of sexual advance rather than simply connecting...showing affection for another human being of the same species...of comfort...of being calm, peaceful...i like those kind of hugs...

May 12
iz interesting
the rate at which we disclose information to others and the reasons and intentions if any behind that rate...and how the rate itself changes depending on so many variables...interesting to ponder. as i chat and notice that...how it differs from person to person

May 9
does anyone else write or have blogs?
profiles here seem so limited...what goes through your mind stranger? on a day to day basis?a nything intersting? anything more than what small talk would present? mmm...yep...nothings new under the sun eh? actually tho so many things are new to each person unlimited in fact that we seem not to care about...we think we know what life is about. we think our perspecive is it. fuck that man. seriously. i mean why are we so tunnel visioned ? even about our open and tolerant philosophies about the world....

Apr 28
this seems dumb
i mean why am i at home alone pretending to communicate when i could just walk outside, enjoy the fresh air and get to know people, in like real time and space...energetically and stuff...i dont know. this is a strange idea...this type of site. dont really know why im on it except boredeom and curiosity about shit like this...well and i like taking all those ridiculously stupid and way too assuming tests...that are random. meh.

Apr 27
are we all hiding?
i mean it seems like there is this unsaid like expectation to put your best side forth wheterh its true about you or not just so you can get what you want or something...i felt like i was like writing a cover letter doing my profile. its weird how there are certain things we feel like we need to hide from each other in order to fit in or to seem more attractive or this or that bullshit...i guess i play the same game cuz theres stuff on here i guess i wouldnt just blurt out. is that sane or just stupid. just a thot

...and now its august almost september

2009-08-28T16:32:00.001-06:00

i was supposed to see p this weekend sometime...then plans changed. i was nervous and then he decided to not stop through...i wonder why. i wonder where he is. i wonder where i am. i wonder. i have one more shift left for my job and then im off to jobfinding land again. im not sure what ill do yet. im not sure what ill do. id like to find a job id like but who knows. what does that mean? id like to work with kids, tweens, or something like that. id like to teach. id love to teach actually.

2009-05-23T08:37:00.002-06:00

new post new post. i havent written for some time now...really its beena while i gotta say. i dont really know what to write. alot and i mean a lot has been going on recently with my job, living situation, people i know, etc. i mean dang yo dang. and i have stuff to do today. im debating whether i should go to a great yoga class or clean up the house...a friend mite be coming over and i dont know when that will be and my room is a disaster as well as what my life looks like from here...so im not sure...will i feel disappointed? sure but there is a nother class on monday i can take for sure. and i can maybe go to one or two tomorrow...and there is always bikram...i wonder if ill take the job in santa fe...im leaning away from it right now but the job im at well its kind of hard i dont feel quite safe emotionally and after working in the boys group, as a woman.

another 'easter' another day

2009-04-12T14:56:00.002-06:00

hi. i was thinking about this time last year when i had an epiphany...about jesus and how we all have potential to be like him...and i mean literally with the same power of love and compassion. not in any religious sense but in a human sense of realizing our potential and tapping into it as human beings. i was full on in my addiction then. i am in recovery now. that feels good. however weak i may feel.

2009-04-06T20:42:00.000-06:00

i just got a job doing wilderness therapy again this time in the woods of north carolina and south carolina instead of the desert of idaho. very different terrain. i was in the woods doing the prehire seminar with some cool cats, one woman and five guys for the weekdn...its amazing teh awesome people you meet in the woods in real places. i mean everything is real right but sometime when youar e with people that are more in tune with being in the rpesent moment it feels more real or maybe 'reality' is easier to access when the energy is already inviting you in? does that make sense?

so what is my intention and goal for this job? i was asked to write a 2 page handwritten paper on what my inteitiona nd dieser for doing self healing apprenticeship for four years would be...dont know yet if ill do it but i like writin or puttin purpose to things in my life. writing intetions and being clear becauseit is easier i think to be present in thanfkulness when you can be more specific about things. i have a problem being genuinely grateufl for things because it all seems so vague sometimes but getting the speicific and details is good.

strange times

2009-04-06T20:32:00.002-06:00

starnge times when things change. i have parted ways with a beautiful man i have spent life with the past nine months and it is quite a different shift of energy. there is definitely energy moving all through my body yet feels heavy with sadness and wells of tears that im not quite sure where they lie and i feel a stormcoming on any time any day. free yourself i want to free myself to let it flo whenever it needs to. adnn falling back into weakness and old patterns...yesterday..mmph...it sucked but it is what it is right? i guess. and i felt it and feel it and am still here and willing.

2009-03-16T13:29:00.000-06:00

yes. strange colors. up close and impersonal or maybe not...or maybe so. i dunno. im gonna go.

bikram and bellies

2009-03-11T15:53:00.002-06:00

i just thot of those two words so i decided to put them in the title. i am reading a really cool book called "entering the circle" by olga kharitidi, m.d. i was just telling amanda that i like reading it because every time i read it i feel inspired. its a crazy way of looking at the world and it makes me feel like...hey i can have any perspective i want of the world and that is just fun. i feel like a kid when i think about it that way. there are infinite possibilities of perspective and realities. it makes me question everything ive thot of as concrete. this book mite not do this for other people but maybe its cuz of where im at right now that makes me wanna do it...question, ask, without expectation of an answer..i think thats the hardest thing to do. but just to put it out there and one day maybe an answer will come or maybe something else will just remind you of the question and you realize how thankful you are for the mind you have that can question and you think about where you've been and how you change and blahblahblah.

i talked to a dude who is running sort of a music school. not institutionalized or anything. has a big space with lotsa instruments and does classes for people i guess. anway i am hopefully gonna lead a yoga class and maybe meditation class there on sunday morning. he was talking about money and how he finally decided tath he doesnt want his world to run by the need for moeny. he wants to just trust that he will do what he loves and loves helping others and then the money will come when i t needs to. is that religious thinking? i dont think so. i think it is a optimistic way of looking at the worl d and a different perspective than a lot of people have. after him saying that and talking to a few other people i mite be rooming with soon about my life and them nailing me that im stuck right now because of lack of confidence to put myself out there,....which is true and afraid of commitment which is true...after hearing those things i felt much better about my life and not sooo down about fuck it man, im such a loser, i have no motivation, and ill never make any moeny. now i can be like...ok i can trust that money will come. stressing over it will not make it come faster. i am not a loser. i am recovering for a grand illness and doing really well right now and have a lot of talents that i can offer others. i have less confidence than i know i really have and can take a chance and put myself out there. why not?
whats to lose?
well i guess assumed or projected rejection because well those two seem to go hand in hand for me. i am afriad of rejection i think others have for me...even if they dont. i am afraid of what being tight and closed off does...of flipping
ya know what/ stop
i am beautiful. i am human. i have potential. unlimited potential just like everyone else. i am like everyone else and i am like no one. i am a jumble of particles bumping into each other that makes an image that others can interact with. thats interesting. yes we are all so interesting.
ok. im gonna read entering the circle now..

some thots from another of my blogs i pasted here for interest's sake

2009-02-26T16:28:00.001-07:00

yeah that is a hard one for me. letting my belly be as it is and letting go of what i think it should be or the expectations i have taken from society and placed upon it. letting go of the expectations to have a thin frame and a thin face that shows my cheek bones very distinctly instead of having cheeks that are round. damn. thats gonna be hard, im talkin gin the future as if i cant be with what is right now. i think those are the two hardest things to be with in my physcial self…oh and my thighs…when i look down. i see a beautiful image in the mirror and looking down i see ugliness and well monster. i was reading a krishnamurti quote just now…

The beauty of listening . . .

The beauty of listening lies in being highly sensitive to everything about you: to the ugliness, to the dirt, to the squalor, to the poverty about you, and also to the dirt, to the disorder, to the poverty of one’s own being. When you are aware of both, then there is no effort, that is, when there is an awareness which is without choice, then there is no effort.

Collected Works, Vol. XV - 61

What a beautiful quote. Listening to the ugly and the dirt. I want to do that. Listening to my response to my bf wanting to separate and hearing the clingy ness that comes up and the dirt and the scum and the selfabsorbed needs as well as the understanding, the feeling that its mutual, etc. Admitting to both and letting it go as thots -that sounded cliche and not like me.

i want you to know that letting go was one of the hardest things ive had to do. let go of the fact that i couldnt do it myself. let go of the fact that i had to go into a TON of debt to take care of myself. and i want to let go into this moment of being here. i feel my belly large and in charge like A says and i love her for her humor. my therapist said or maybe i did i dunno that my belly is a place of powerful intuition and to acknowledge it is to acknowledge a part of me that hasnt been taken care of in a while.

again, i love you with a love i didnt create…a love that exists between us simply because it does and not because it is trying to be acquired or taken or even given. i guess i want to open to the reality that love exists even when we dont acknowledge it and opening to the moment by letting go and letting it be reveals that the love has always been there. let go and let be lyds. please. ok.

an unfortunate poem

2009-01-30T17:27:00.002-07:00

i feel fat
it's the world that's not right
but that must not be true they say
so it's something wrong with me
im not quite sure what
im not quite sure why
but i feel it some where deep deep inside
and it doesnt wanna leave
the feeling so weird and feels so different
than everything around me
i have try and let others understand
they understand fat
so i must feel fat...

do you ever...?

2009-01-27T20:30:00.002-07:00

do you ever feel like saying fuck u!! damn it! to someone you just can.t who youve paid for something adn do not like what you receieved...

do you ever feel flabbergasted by people's reasoning behind things they do?? i really cant write. im sorry . this sucks. i have to sleep on it or talk it out more. i mite regret it later but hey...i gotta go...
+

update needed?

2009-01-24T22:00:00.002-07:00

yes i do believe it is time...can i just tell you what an awesome book is...
"angry little girls" by lela lee

we girls at the 'tapshack' watched Revolutionary Road today. it was uber depressing and uber real and good. a lot going on in that movie...probably a great book to read. alot of metaphors and a lot of cliches but said in ways and in the context where it could hit home and youd be like oh...yup...true.

can i be philosophical rigth now? well someone might read this. its late. i found in the past few days that going deep into my rebellious teenage side and facing the darkness i felt as a child and letting it come out in a rather safe place even tho simultaneously being completely misunderstood and as a child feeling invalidated well...somehow going to that place and letting it lead me to one of the darkest places i have been in well a long long time...changed something. maybe not big. but it was not like a huge light bulb or something but i felt like its an alternative way to see what you need to see. it was a way of surrendering to the fighting and resisting child within against those who wanted control, obviously out of caring intention but from a place of not understanding or willing to understand because of the irrationality of my following of my enigmatic coping mechanisms that are not foreign to any child i would assume that lives in a place that confuese their deep intuition and pressures them to thinking its NOT the safe place to go or listen to...what was i saying?? oh yeah in surrendering to the child and letting myself be the child i could see something i hadnt seen before. and ironcially i dont exactly know what that is except that i know more of what i want now. and dont want. i know that going back to that child was a necessary part of realizing me and fighting for me and my own self without the need for being understood or validated.
in fighting for me i was fighting for you.
a wise mentor once told me when i asked...what the hell can i do about all the suffereing adn death and war in the world? and he said something like, well what we see is reflections of us so why not figure out how to stop the wars and suffereing and death in yourself and teh answers to the world? i forget now...shut up.

blah blah blah. esoteric -ness smish...

some interesting krishnamurti quotes

2009-01-23T17:26:00.001-07:00

We have broken up action

Questioner: In a little village there is a poisonous snake, and there is a woman crying her heart out because the snake has bitten her baby and the baby is dead. I can kill the snake or I can leave it alone. What am I to do?

Krishnamurti: What do you do? Do you wait until you come to this tent to be told what to do? Or do you do something there? You act! If you are callous, indifferent, you don't do anything; if you are moved, you actually, immediately, do something. Sir, all our activity is based on the idea that we must help, that we must be good, that this is right, and that is wrong. All action is conditioned by an idea, by our country, by our culture, by the food we eat. All that conditions our actions because they are based on an idea. When we see that action is approximating itself to an idea and therefore it is not an action, then we will put away all idea and know what action is. It is very interesting to observe how we have broken up action: righteous, immoral, right, true, noble, ignoble, national action, action according to the church. If we understand the worthlessness of such action, then we act. We do not ask how to act, what to do; we act and that act is the most beautiful act at
that moment.

Collected Works, Vol. XVI - 241

2009-01-02T19:00:00.000-07:00

2008-12-05T19:55:00.000-07:00

2008-11-28T10:46:00.001-07:00

Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed...

a desolate winter amongst colors i can not see...

2008-11-27T22:43:00.005-07:00

colors i cannot see or colors i well rather that i choose not to see i guess. we choose what to see and what not to see. these days i choose to see the desolate aspect of nonlife. of misery, a suffering that extends endlessly into boredom and crazy abysmal holes of self destruction and self distraction away from thinking or being with the confusion that is life in transition. in transition when nothing seems permanent or sensible, where every turn has a sign pointing to misery that others are part of or suffer in, signs that point this way to hell if you choose, this way to well nowhere to heaven. signs point nowhere to heaven. heaven is nowhere. does that make sense? can i say that in a nonfatalistic way? heaven is nowhere. or the cliche heaven is now here. here. here. what is? fuck questions man. fuck em all. questions without answers. those are the signs pointing to hell. i try and i try and i try endless amounts of each day to avoid how these questions without answers make me feel. i try to avoid the feelings, how my body responds. and i go down dusty paths that have no trees, only rocks craggy rocks with sharp points where cutting my foot upon would only yield a dull greyish blood from my foot, nothing that interesting, boring to look at really. so boring that color just doesnt seem to be there. ahh to let my fingers go on this typewriter well i wish it was an old typewriter. i set my eyes on one in a vintage thrift store the other day and was keen on buying it until my bank account told me i had $34. yes. please tell me life is more than stressing over that. so a mac will have to do for now. it has been so dead to me for so long i am thnakful that i can give some expression into its very methodically planned technology that has yielded both poison and hope to millions. well maybe not this mac in particular but pcs and such in general...anyway. hope. i heard yesterday someone say -you need to be courageous to give up hope. give up hope? are you fucking nuts dude? why yes. being nuts means going not just swimming in the other direction, against the flo, it means taking the river and blowing it away in the wind and breathing fresh air. no more clogged lungs filled with waters that confuse our minds and bodies and brains because we arent actually meant to swim in water for long extended periods of time. breathe fresh air. i rarely do. what is it in me that wants to sit inside and look at the beautiful weather instead of be in it/ its a safe haven to be in walls or something. to be comfy in my self induced misery rather than stepping out, even tho i dont know what the hell ill do and be courageous and give up hope. give up hope that change will come in teh future. give up hope that tomorrow will be better than today.
does anyone get that tomorrow doesnt exist yo? i mean, seriously why did we create taht word? i wonder about those cultures and languages where that word, that concept (future) doesnt exist. how are their lives different? are they less more complex? is everything relative when it comes to suffering? sometimes i want to blame all my suffering on linear time. if only i didnt think about the future and what will come next. ya know i was talking to dale the other day and realizing that a lot of my life to my continual dismay i have been bored. i have continued to look to the next moment to be what i want, what is missing. something has always been missing for me, even now...cannot get full enough, but then i get too full and literally want to just vomit it all fucking up...reading a book called dry today about a guy going to rehab for drinking...im at the part where he is being introduced to weirdos there...it was intriguing, dont know why i just wrote that..maybe because im bored writing right now and want to go read. i havent been much of a reader during my life. have you? i always felt like i wasnt getting enough from teh words on the page...and that there must be something more productive to be doing...and then ironically i go and sit and feel bored and try to avoid feeling bored or get mad at the boredrom or myself or something. does that happen to you? cuz even when i was little it happened. my mom said go read a book or every once and a while would suggest doing something and iwould just get angry like duh mom as if i havent thot of that and considrered whether it would be worth doing...and alas i come back to a state of life where there is desolation and boredom amidst a sea so brightly colored and swimming with so many unknown and undiscovered creatures to me (here i go back to water analogies again) that i can only sink to the bottom and stick my face in the sand and moan because i cant see anything. haha.
the humor of our chosen day to day mindsets. the absurdity of our brains to choose certain things over others. so many existential questions come up. esp these days when i question whterhe its worth working a job (after taxes) that comes out to about $5 an hour with no benefits and if the cold dark winter is where i would like to be for now. i can always leave right? but dont i always do that. right when im getting settled. oop, nope, nows the time to rattle everything up again and try and find routine even tho you were just about to melt into it so easily. routine i feel like is my answer to these existential crisis questions right now. but that doesnt seem to be enough. this entire piece feels like a rambling distraction from what is really going on in me that i want to get out. i want to get it OUT!!!! what? are you itnerested...i dont feel like thats true. the song in my head right now..amy winehouse...rehab. they wanna make me go to rehab but i say no, no no. what does rehab do? is rehab good? gives you a chance to be free well forced free from a habit that started before your choosing awareness of it. but what does a month or six weeks of forced absistence do when you know the questions that caused the addiction in the first place are not gonna be answerd in the place that supposedly cures people of their "diseases habits". what if disease whas all that existed. good health was so rare that tit was taboo. what then. or is that actually true. are we all so diesase that we cant not even imagine what health actually is so we simply associate health ith our curresntt state of being. these past two senteneced i have been right ing with my head resting against the illo of the couch closingmy eyes. can yu tell? im beat tired. i could write for another hour i bet. but alas. sleep is gently calling me to health. hah isnt that ironic. hopefully, nope not even gonna go there. what i am gonna do is to say that my head throbs a dullness that moves from one temple to the other. i have an ache in my lower belly that a relaxed cat is breathing into. i need water. im breathing. that is my reality and sensations some of them right now. goodnite. or whatever you are doing. here. here. here. up. here. yup. here.

unsatisfactorily satisfied

2008-09-23T15:26:00.004-06:00

am i doing something wrong? does everyone go through periods like this? literally actually...women. im not sure how serious to take myself or my thoughts. yes they are projections on the future BUT the future is a big change coming up and well nows the itme to look at other possibilities right. i guess so. what am dissatisified about in this moment? i think its myself. i can be awesome anywhere. anywhere can be awesome for me? well i guess so. its all perspective right? i start to imagine how i was before in a certain place and project that itll be the same and that scares me, makes me unsatisfied. yet when i breathe and sit and think about this moment i am listening to jazz in a cute little coffee with a full cup of nasty drip i have only sipped on cuz it curdles my stomach, no prob bob, just a couple bucks and the weather outside is well amazing really. amazing. a walk? yes a walk seems nice. a walk to old town and then some yummy dindin. what is real in my worries and what isnt. are my thots legit to consider or should i just throw them in the trash can or rather in the fire. i dont want the trash stinking up my house. i have questions and questions. i have worries. what to do what to do. for now, well breathe. smile. smile some more. walk home, hold hands, smile, take a few pictures perhaps, some yoga would be nice and a kiss or two. enjoy the moment enjoy now. the future doesnt exist. nope. trust yourself. trust yourself now and itll be ok then. it is ok now. yes. self talk or rather self writing is good. beautiful time of day it is. beautiful. time of year. beautiful. let it be. k. i trust myself to express what needs to be expressed later. for now, just remember this too shall pass. and nothing is permanent.

swings

2008-09-19T15:33:00.002-06:00

erin, you are beautiful. i luv how i can see your beauty through this photograph you took or where we both at one time lived and worked in harmony, in confusion, in figuring life out together. i luv you my dear friend who i look up to...i luv sharing with you, fine wine, dances in a grand pavilion overlooking a massive ocean, drinks and pool around a large tree taking root and permeating the space of a sandbar, talks over chat or long conversations about life and its processing out of the analytical mind and the intuitive feeling of time and space and nothingness, i luv sharing silence with you, the space in between you and me in you and me, i luv sharing the love of music as you express yourself and i take in your soul listening to you your voice your beauty of loving life. you are beautiful. you are creative. you are expression. a dance i luv to join. i luv sharing pains and hurt...the good the bad the ugly...yes...i luv that life is confusin and a puzzle and everything all at once simultaneously being absolutely nothing and meaningless. it is what it is. and that is enough. i think right? you. you have brightened my life. you brighten my experience of time and space. you are a clear mirror of love and joy sprinkled with sunshine and tear droplets of sadness that so beautifully splashes making designs of emotion on the glass. its so nice that we can hold up mirrors to each other, look into them and be like, oh. yeah i get it. yeah you too? cool. or oh my goodness i so dont get it. but oh well. lets go have a drink and dance the nite away. sweet. sweet silver lining crazily spinning and radiating through the boundless moments of you and me. i luv you. thank you.

i wanna be that happy azz dog not the cynic

2008-09-06T01:35:00.003-06:00

i do i really do. im nervous. im scared. why? cuz i can be i guess and drama makes life interesting and is so seductively addictive. why do we choose suffereing over just plain old being simply happy and content. accepting what is and accepting what isnt knowing that now is enough and whatever is missing isnt really what we need but a desire a want that can never be filled anyway so why go on that search. a void maybe? endless? abyssmal? empty? like a vacuum? that can be filled? by what. silence. stillness. silence. stillness. what do those words mean. why have they become so important to me recently. is it because i feel like the antithesis of them? impatient, restless unrelenting in my desire to fight the stillnes and silence. to make noise to make movement my constant. my everyday goings on. to keep from boredom or to wallow in it rather than feel it like a scientist feels a soft caterpilar on a rainy day. do they? i dont know. maybe they just peer at them under a microscope. i want to feel realy feeeeelll. what do i feel right now. my leg bouncing waiting for me to go to the bathroom. a stomach wanting to be emptied. i feel pain coming from my heart -pain that doesnt feel like anything but empty crazy space that make sme feel insane in the membrane! insane in the brain. yep. you. you. you who are you to me. who are we to you. me to you. you to me. self absorption is what i indulge in. self indulgent. like most humans are at points. why do i feel like the only one? do i want to feel special? like im the only sufferer of nonsensical irrational addictive thots. pleez. everyone is in the same boat with blind eyes to the fact that they sit next to a bunch of blind people al feeling like they are the only ones stranded at sea because they are too afraid to reach out their empty hands to feel what is in and around them. that we are all in this together. and that the sky is actually shining bright blue with a crystal diamond of light in the sky peering and smiling as the waves dance before us and the creatures of the beautiful sea perform endless songs of delectable and joyful i dont know. we choose to stay blind even tho we are just closing our eyes. we can open them to the light of day or night to see the glorious sunshine or soothing moonlite. to see all the beautiful people sitting next to us in the boat all waiting for each other to open our eyes and sing as we float about in an ocean of curiosity. i want to be curious. i want to open my eyes and see you sitting here with me. opening your eyes as we smile at each other creating wrinkle lines around our eyes from squinting in contentment at what we are and what we are living. what are we living? simplicity that we complicate by closing our eyes and seeing what isnt there. complications suffereing wanting the world around us to be different. when in fact its quite different than we imagine. it actually IS. and we think it WAS or WILL BE> open your eyes. im opening my eyes. to this moment. of struggle yes. of mistakes. yes many. of wanting things to be different? well why? it is what it is yo. my new mantra of these past few months. it is what it is. and i need to take care of myself. head to the bathroom and then head to bed to wake up and meet the sun once again. let the night drift me off to dreams of nonsense and sorting like my mind does all day. i want to consider my mind like my dreams. there but nothing to take too seriously. because its not real. what is real is that i am using this crazy little fingers of mine to type type away at a mysterious machine that puts words in front of me that i just thot-like magic you might say. magic that exists because of science and reason and well the mind. when teh mind is put in its place and we consider the ehart and how our sensations in our bodies are right now. how does your belly feel. how do you legs feel. your eyes. are they droopy? wide awake and alert? how are you breathing in this moment? im breathing short shallow breaths cuz i dont want to feel my stomach. i want to keep judgement locked away instead of letting it flow through me. it comes and goes like the wind and rain and sun. its inevitable that it wil continue to come and go. why hold onto it. why consider it the only thing. why consider happiness the only thing. that comes and goes too. the rain falls and then the sun peaks out. unti lthe winds pick up the temps drop and snow falls or hail. cloudy skies roll in with the thunder claps and lightning strikes. the moon shines its fullness and diamonds peek out not caring or wondering what our eyes gaze at night after night through telescopes trying to discover. they just blink at us. blinking away as we run around muddled and confused and stop. breathe deep. deep into your stomach. where does that take you? it takes me to this moment right now. it takes me to you. to me. to here. i luv you. i luv this struggle. i luv the process of learning. i luv that i hate things. i want to accept change. i want to let go of holding on to nothing i have made my everything. with empty hands i see you open eyes i sit next to you and together we can wave at the waves as they dance for the sun the moon the stars and everything else. cheesy cheesy cheesy. i like cheese sometimes. right now. mmm. yeah i think ill stop writing. goodnite. ill thin kof you in the enxt now perhaps or maybe youll think of me. no matter. thats how it is.

iz how i feelz sometimez

2008-09-05T23:14:00.002-06:00

like im about to reach it -sooo close
reach what? what we are all looking for. nothing. everything. emptiness thats full and satisfying. happiness that lasts in sorrow and anger. peace that makes us feel safe and understood, like we belong, like we are something. do you understand? no one does andyet everyone would agree if they knew that. knew what? if they realized, if we realized we know nothing...and that is beautiful. we are curious little creatures in this great big universe...curious and yet so obnoxiously arrogant and self centered judgemental. well that is a normal aspect of humanity what is normal? what is normal? why does the word normal exist? so that people could group together and exclude those they didnt feel like trying to understand. those they felt like using as a scapegoat to blame all their own problems on...gang up on because there was nothing better to do with the empty space that surrounds us all waiting for us to dive into it and feel soo close and know that that is enough. is that enough? is this enough? this feeling that im so close to healing completely>? im healing. isnt that all that matters? who is this anonymous writer that met me once and i dont know. do i? do i know you strangers? friends? people i would love to meet and chat with. who i chatted with yesterday in a great big field with a pointer dog leaping through the fields like a deer boundingin ecstasy for no reason except energy running through its being while you talk about your search for big foot and how you saw it through your thermal locator while thots of aliens were running through my mind as i accepted your experience as completely real and yours wondering what my experience was of you loving you loving your dog loving strangers loving people loving well nothing and everything simultaneously. there was a deer that was directly in front of me you told me when iwas running and i didnt even see it. iwas thinking and not paying attention to the field to the sky the trees the deer. it is what it is. i feel like i could stay up all nite and do this. write and read and think and ponder. feel inspiration feel loneliness feel drowning. feel you stranger. its good to knowyou are out there reading. not reading. thinking. meditating. not giving a shit about life. knowing love is all there is. or whatever you are thinking feeling being right now. thaz cool yo. thaz cool.

woa can this be possible

2008-09-03T08:42:00.003-06:00

most beautiful and most dangerous looking creature of the arachnid family. crazy beautiful spider living smaller than the size of a pinky in the palm tree of a villa in abidjan cote divoire. luv is all around. it is. thankful for color and yellow, my favorite.

the morning dawn as an alnighter ends calmly after peace and agony conversed

2008-09-03T06:53:00.002-06:00

goodmorning sunshine. i luv you. simply. here is another poem. (makes my heart smile)
The Dance
Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiralling down into the ache within the ache.
And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.

Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall,
to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul's desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember, and I will show you how I struggle
not to change the world, but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging. Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don't say, "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me (Patrick).

its 2:20am and i am here, not there

2008-09-03T03:22:00.006-06:00

here, sitting in a slider rocker at a beautiful meditation center in northern washington, birch bay actually. im not there, in a dreamers sleep healing the bones of my body as they relax deeply into the silence of this soothing blanket of nite. here i sit, just having finished a beautifully and fulfilling sweet cup of good earth tea, sweet and spicy i think instead of having a very large bowl of mocha pudding that was intended to drown a sense of low self worth. im not there, where enemies knock at my door, waiting for a weak moment to slam it open and trample me into the nonexistent earth that i can create in a nanosecond of missed presence. i sit with fatigue hunched in my shoulders and neck as they wait for the moment when i realize oh yes i luv you too, here relax and enjoy a different sensation other than contration. not there, im not there in a fantasy land where all my dreams are of money trees and chocolate pools. why did i just write that, i have never wanted that. mmm...ok.
so i am here with a rather large and new antique appearing clock walled up and telling me time and time again that time never ends as a i listen to the persistent tick of the second hand beating its usual rhythm of tick TOCK tick TOCK on my ear drums. i am not there where time does not exist because of the past or future pressing in on all sides waiting to be the only reality of the moment. i feel like writing lucidly but cannot tell if its working until later when i come upon my blog and read it again from a new angle a new moment a changed hour of day and nite. stranger who are you to me to read this and find solace. do we find solace in each others experiences of time and space of timelessness and emptiness? can we connect in our complete and utter disconnectedness of being alone in the universe as solely ourselves and yet feeling a mystery that strips everything to its barest forms at every breath we are willing to let be.
can i go on like this and continue? or shall i, yes i CAN or shall i float down the mystery stairs and fall into a healing state until my breath brings me back to lightness and a feeling of gravity waking me from my slumber. i think i will do the latter. however it makes sense in these next moments of here. not there. i am here. you are here reading while i am there. how can that be/ that is an unanswerable question that need not be worried over. its been worried and feared too long to be of use to us anymore. let it go and be here. with me. now. and breathe. deeply. luv. in your weakest moments and find stillness in your deepest pain.

THE INVITATION

2008-08-11T10:35:00.003-06:00

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesnt interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesnt interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesnt interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, wihout moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesnt interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty, even when its not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon, "Yes!"
It doesnt interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesnt interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesnt interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

what is now. just be iwth that k?

2008-07-21T10:36:00.000-06:00

erin tookthis pic withher camera (better zoom than mine). sothis bobcat ran up this 15ft cactus beingit was beignchased bysome dogs. it stayed up there for 6 hours until the dogs got tied up. talk about patience and working with the now. everyone and a whileit would switch positions and try to resituate itself. no panicking. no anger outburts. no falling. just being there. lookingaround. meditating. staring. whatever there was todo in that moment as eachmoment came. bobby there sat with the discomfort.with the pain. with whatever was happeningat the time. nocomplaining. just beignthere.

i want to do that. i neeeeed to do that. i needto sit withthe painive been carrying for so manyyears of mylife and instead of looking at it face value and being with i have avoided it at every turn. i cant sit still with pain. im so tired rightnow. i would rather sleep than sit with sleepiness. i would rather eat than sit with feelings of lo self worth. i would rather disassociate frompeople than sit with the feelingofinadequacy. i would rather run than stay and fight. the fight is hard. because in thefight you do nothing. you let the pain overtake you and sit through it. you sit in thesuffering. that si where i thinki will be able to find thecure. the cure to the constant suffering that i have in my head daily about dissatisfaction, about wanting tobe there (which doesnt exist) not here.

A Good Friend...and now she's gone...

2008-04-24T22:10:00.000-06:00

wow! its already april 24th. my birthday is one week from today.
a good friend. jess. she does realize how much she meant to me and how much she means to me.

Balance-well said my friend well said

2008-04-24T22:07:00.001-06:00

Balance
by Adam Zagajewski
translated by Clare Cavanagh

I watched the arctic landscape from above
and thought of nothing, lovely nothing.
I observed white canopies of clouds, vast
expanses where no wolf tracks could be found.

I thought about you and about the emptiness
that can promise one thing only: plenitude—
and that a certain sort of snowy wasteland
bursts from a surfeit of happiness.

As we drew closer to our landing,
the vulnerable earth emerged among the clouds,
comic gardens forgotten by their owners,
pale grass plagued by winter and the wind.

I put my book down and for an instant felt
a perfect balance between waking and dreams.
But when the plane touched concrete, then
assiduously circled the airport's labryinth,

I once again knew nothing. The darkness
of daily wanderings resumed, the day's sweet darkness,
the darkness of the voice that counts and measures,
remembers and forgets

transitions all around...stability in the midst?

2008-04-12T16:41:00.001-06:00

is that possible? that is what i desire. that is what i know i have but lose awareness to on a daily and even momentary basis. tapping in to that stability and equanimity with a positive spin preferably to daily life and its fluctuations is my aim for existence (sounds a bit esoteric perhaps)-dont like the word existence. for my being alive these days. but i want to have fun too. i feel like i dont give myself space for that. i dunno. i have 5ish weeks until i head back to the states for a family reunion/slash wedding/vacation time. itll be good to be back with the fam and see what ive learned here in another context.

good herman hesse quotes

2008-03-17T13:23:00.001-06:00

http://thinkexist.com/quotes/hermann_hesse/
check out the link

and did you hear? oprah is having a 10 week interactive classroom on Skype with eckart tolle on his new book "A New Earth". cool eh?

its a beautiful world and a beautiful time

2008-03-16T18:21:00.000-06:00

i went through the destruction of my addiction last night with my parents and today i have felt a rebirthing transformation. i believe i just labeled a time of being really low to a time of feeling real peace and settled seeing my place in the world today. i just met with shiva das, a beautiful man who does music here and he gave me an astrology reading-amazing gift. that actually had to do with my sister and i...amazing. the main message was appreciation of here and now and life will respond accordingly. i very much have felt great appreciation today. i am thankful for life and god-in my terms and yours, if yours...or not. still beautiful. everything is as it should be right now. and i luv. there is an abundance of everything. more than enough to go around and i am thankful for that reminder.

this pic was not taken by me but it represents how i want to live

2008-03-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

it totally represents the way i want to live. free and happy and enjoying every moment whether it be one in tears and anger or one in happiness and ecstasy to be alive. i do believe you can have multiple emotions at the same time and i think they come at different levels sometimes and some are more connected to the sensations in your body than others which are more connected to the stories in your head-usually much more dramatic than those in your body and in fact emotions i feel that are related to sensations in your body if you simply feel them you can realize that yes its all interconnected somehow but simultaneously can be broken down into separate parts and felt. when an emotion is felt and experienced in the body instead of around a story in the head from the past or projection into the future, it then simply becomes vibrations of different sorts and a story if there is one simply becomes insignificant and unimportant. it loses a lot of its importance if not all of it. it is then easier to experience the exact moment in time you are actually in. did that make sense? i was critiqued yesterday by a good friend that let me know that when i speak in groups (here at the yoga school for example) as a staff member i do have good things to say however i need to bring awareness to how much i talk and the awareness of what i am saying because it can use up too much space or the 'wrong' (my terminology) space when i am not focused. i believe focus is another word for presence. is there a difference between the two? well if so i dont know it right now.
i would like to write more but at the present moment i need to focus on what i am doing here at yandara and that is to be working. tootles for the moment stranger.

fullmoon lunar eclipse time

2008-02-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

yes i just recorded the eclipse on video. ive been on the www all evening and was feeling like i needed to go to the bonfire on the beach and then i saw the eclipse happening so i grabbed my cam and videoed it...looks cool on video fastforwarded...supposed to come back soon...well yes. ive been meaning to write recently cuz i keep having these beautiful aha moments here but i guess that is for the ether and not to be recorded. another time and space for that i suppose...for now. luv. namaste.

yippee skippee. i luv my zizter.

2008-02-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

yes pliz. i do. iz reallyz do. just talked to her yesterday and it feels soo good when i call someone i luv and they are excited to talk to me because i am too. even i fi dont show it. man, she and her b might be making some big azzz changez soonz tho. that seems so big to me after theyve been living where theyve been living for so long. such is life tho and itll be cool to see whats in store for them next. its sad that they wont be near the west coast anymore but maybe when i go back to the us of a i wont either...whoooooooz knowz. ive just been chattin with me pops on za phone about insurance but everytime he calls i feel like weeeeee becuz he's my papa and i luv to hear his voice. i have stuff to do today that i dont necessarily want to think about right now but its a beautiful day as i watch a mexican hummingbird gently dance from flower to flower being every so present in the moment and its just love in action right there and theres a bee doing the same. mmmm. i luvz my zizter and am excited for what she will see and find and know upon her next stage. i luv stages and transitions esp in our fam because good things have always come from them and always will. becuz we are open and openness is the first step. be open and willing and available and what you need will have the space to arrive to you when you need it. be still and know. right here right now and love will be whats there beyond the business. just like the little biz and humminzbird.

the answer is now

2008-02-02T00:13:00.000-07:00

its right here right now. it really is. right here right now. the answer. thats it. it may seem ridiculous and simple but simply put its here. perfection is right now. ok. it feels dramatic or not really but cheesy or misunderstood even by myself as i write this. just watched the fountain and that was basically the message...that i got from it. and the message that my life has been giving me these days too.
i need to sleep. im tired. i luv you again and again.

old and new and all jumbled together into beauty

2008-01-20T21:28:00.000-07:00

yup...thats sorta how it is right now. beauty and a little hazy...and moonlit and cabana style life. ya know its really what you make of it. i went ot a talk this morning where the speaker asked...who are you without your thots...without your story. who am i? well beyond the absence of story and thot...awareness. consciousness. he said we are so attached to our thots and take them as our own identity yet they are in a constant ebb and flow, up and down. somehow we want to figure out our whole lives based on something that is constantly changing and never permanent. its beenn such a constant ebb and flow being existing and rather wanting to be and exist other places here at yandara. here in baja, here as i sit at this comptuer that takes a lot of my time...is it a waste>? could should i be doing other things? well. thats a question for later. today i felt not as much aware as normal sundays for me go around here. it was a little disconcerting and discouraging...maybe because a good friend just told me she was leavning just as we are really getting to know each other...and someone i can trust and be with when i feel more lonely or the like. anyway, in talking i thot well i came here to learn how to be alone and be my own best friend, my own 'beloved' as a song i like goes and maybe when i think of her in the future and wanting to spend time with her i can use that as a reminder to go take a walk up the mountain, to the ocean, ot the fig tree, and be alone and find that contentment, that awareness that is beyond thot and yet an observer of it, that place or state of mind or existence that is in everyone that we do not ;see' because we are holding onto too much that is in front of us instead of simply letting go and just not resisting. i once was talking to a shrink and saying how i dont want it to be a struggle or a fight in my mind to think good thots. i want to just be and process...i dont like to think of it as a fight and this morning was good confirmation about how suffering comes from teh struggle and the dissatisfaction of being in the now and allowing it to be as is because as is is perfect...the question i had for me this morning was can i really say that and believe it? well its hard because i feel like there is a resistance to let go and let be. and then be. much resistance. but here is where i am...tomorrow i am making some vegetarian maki rolls and i am starting afresh...new day...newness. renewal. struggle. letting go. awareness. unawareness. ugliness. beauty. compassion. compassion........compassion. i luv you stranger. we are the same. will you understand when i say i am you and you are me? do i undersatnd? answer...silence. the only answer to the question why and the perfect answer. i luv you. again. and again.

2008-01-18T19:07:00.000-07:00

hello? is anyone out there? listening? reading? do i want transition/ what is this constant motion i put myself in all the time. im here and then nope i wanna move...so i go there...nope. again lets get up and go. mmm...somethings not right...something else is amiss...what is it? who is it? can it be? a thing a place a person im looking for that is and has been right here all along? can i be happy forever? is it possible? if it were would i want it? do i want true happiness/ do any of us? do i want to give up the struggle i am in? do i want to give up the drama in my life? in my thots...the day to day ups and downs for what? what is happiness? i want to be still. i want to stop these bad habits that make me not here in the present. they put me somewhere else..somewhere i really dont want to be but its so habitual that well why the hell not go there eh>? seriously, i mean, no. why? silence. silence is the answer. i dont want to face the silence soooo many times. i dont want to to be alone in nature. why? i dont really know. i dont and well havent given myself the space to wonder why not? well, maybe tomorrow i will. well that means then that i have to figure out what im cooking first so that i can ya know...so i can...have time after lunch to do that...but then again...jon wants me to drive with him to cabo...i dont want to drive on mexican highways especially in stick shift...havent in so long...not such a good idea.

i just feel like bitching...

2008-01-15T19:28:00.000-07:00

because right now i really havenothing else to do or think about...and im angry. im angry at myself. i know that fear lies beneath the anger. i am angry that i become attached to people and dont know how to let them go. i am angry that i havent had the opportunity recently to have love be recipricated...and i want it. i am angry that i can get down in the dumps so easily. i am angry that i tell people im doing good at the exact times i am not and somehow really believe that i am in that moment only to realize later that somehow im hiding it and i dont know why. even from myself. i am angry that i feel alone and that i dont have someone to cry or just be with when i want to be with them. im fucking lonely and i dont want to be lonely damnit. i know its good to be alone and face the silence within but when im here right now in this moment there is a frown that stubbornly sits heavily on my face like a big cow's ass or something that is quite stinky and not fun to be under....so ill smile. ok so i feel a little better just from letting go of the frown. my belly feel too big right now. ive been eating dairy and sugar yesterday and today which is something the doc told me to stop eating. i know, its ok lydia but it feels like something i need to be angry about. i havent been doing everything the doc told me to do today. i talked to my 'boss' and got dumped a whole lot of crap on today of things to do and urgency and stress and craziness which none of is mine but somehow i decided it could be...i was able to let it go at one point but i feel like maybe i convinced myself i had let it all go when im still carrying some of it. i feel a heaviness in my shoulders just now as i wrote that...did i just project that feeling onto myself? i dont feel the indigestion in my intestines that i felt earlier which is nice. why do i not like being in the discomfort of what i claim to be uncomfortable...going back what i started writing...what am i afraid of to make me this angry...well. i am angry that during our circle today, the topic was what are you afraid of because it kindof put a damper on my day. i was hoping to talk more positively and didnt really want to go but decided to anyway and damnit i felt worse afterward because i guess i felt like i should say my fears and it made me feel lower for some reason because maybe i projected the necessity to hang out to those fears and make them part of my identity? yes i feel like those fears and these angers are part of my identity as lydia. a friend during the circle today she had a dream last night that helped her to realize she is afraid of what she is without what she has made as her identity. who am i without my name? my thoughts? my emotions? my judgements and values? my body? well i guess i cant be right now without my body but then again i cant be without my thots either...but isnt there something greater im a part of? or something? and that has no body, no thots...its simply awareness, consciousness some call divine? i cringe at the word divine from a lifetime of labeling the divine in order to build emotion and somehow feel good about something i felt was too dogmatic for me to believe or accept as my own 100%. and im glad i chose not to because it caused a lot of grief and still i have that but am learning to let go. what does it mean to let go? let go of what? let go of the fears of loneliness. i am afraid of loneliness when i dont get attention in a moment i feel i should because in that moment thats all i can think of because im bored perhaps and want that feeling of being needed or wanted instead of the feeling of no one noticing or caring. why do we want to be noticed? cared for? i want to be cared for but care for equally in return. at this point sometimes it feels like being cared for by some out of duty. no thats not being truthful but thats the thot that just went through my head. i feel like i could write all night and since i have nothing else to do i might as well keep writing because it feels good to write. it clears my thots but then as i write its interesting to notice how my thots can really take me to various places of emotion that feel so different in my body. like right now as im writing this i feel a lot lighter in my shoulders and well the biggness of my belly is ok. earlier when i was writing it all seemed heavy and dark and doomful. i hear dogs barking and i just heard the bell at the pavilion which i think means they either started to or just ended the meditation which im kinda glad im not at...i mean i want to meditate but i dont want to be there because of my feelings of clinginess right now and i dont want that energy to be in that room because it doesnt make me present in my body. in fact its interesting because in the feeling, if i face food i start to cling to food instead because i cant cling to someone else. i noted to a friend the other day how clinging to food and clinging to people are similar. at times of clinginess we really just need to sit and be still in our bodies sensations yet we try to mask those and find someone to distract us and give us what we think we need at the time which is noise...either of emotion, of talk, or of chewing of noise of our sensations instead of silence. i am afraid in those moments i guess of being with the feeling because it feels like itll just intensify the feeling of clinginess. why does that have such a negative connotation to me? because it relates to codependency. i feel like im dumping too much out there right now. right now what i want is stillness and comfort in that. not discomfort. i am tired and alone and that is ok. i need to sleep i think so i will go wash my face, brush my teeth, coldly because its kinda cold outside right now and then i will go snuggle up in my bed and sleep a beautiful restful sleep so my body can heal from this day of being overwhelmed, afraid, angry, and stressed and undigested. i think my stress and negative thots are being digested away which is quite nice. i was afraid of tomorrow but now im not because i can let go and be here now and feel pleasure in beauty in the present moments and then when tomorrow comes, which it never does in reality, then well...thats tomorrow. for now stranger i hope. yep. thats it. i hope. i luv myself and still feel that peace underneath all of this seeming mess which is simply normal thots and a flowing river that never ends. the ocean is at my fingertips and i can rest in peace knowing the waves of the sea can wash away my tight hold and let me be free with the birds. good nite.

a start to a new day...

2008-01-13T22:39:00.000-07:00

actually its the end to this day...tomorrow is the new day...with new beginnings. yes. yes. yes. i am not cooking tomorrow so i will go and do yoga and i will eat healthier...and and..i could be more enthusiastic i guess but it doesnt feel that exciting to be doing this i guess because well ive been a bit down for the second hafl of today. the first half i was doing a lot bette.r..i went to a really good talk in todos santos, ate a great breakfast at the todos santos cafe with some amazing people and had good conversation...then i came back and had a lo...and let it be a plac ei clung to for a while. i need to remove myself from the clinging and let go...definitely. i need to let go of the great desire i have for this body to be the way it used to be...if only if only...and i guess that is the main motivating factor for whats starting tomorrow and maybe i feel that that is not a good reason yet at the same time i just went to a doctor that told me i need to start treating myself better and living healthier...and happier...so i dunno. i do i really do want to live in the yes and the be the yes. i know that is not a constant state of ecstasy. in fact it is more of a seemingly mundane ordinary life but that is where the profoundness comes...if you can see through ordinary to where it actually is extraordinary and beautiful in its apparent ugliness. my goal for tomorrow is to look for beauty everywhere but especially in myself. i luv you. whoever you are. i love you. simply.

an old journal entry i found that i found profound

2008-01-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

right before graduating college...
<
I want to go somewhere. to the earth. where nothing else matters except surviving and being one with the sky, the land, the people. Africa. "a dark continent"...to some perhaps. those who don't understand that differences makes us wiser if we are willing to understand.

i cannot go to the place my heart longs for. is it really a/the place i long for? do we ever long for a place? we long for change, a change of perspective being in that place would bring. i want to go because as many'd say "i'd be out of my comfort zone and so i'd learn a lot from it"

no. where i am is out of my comfort zone. only i can change that. the place, yes that's easy to change. but why change the place when i'd be all the more stronger for changing my perspective with OUT the place? how much harder is that?

and that is what i want to leave. to go away from. this place that makes it hard to feel the earth, to breath the sky, and to love the people. i want to go somewhere because i somehow know somewhere better than here. here is where lies self condemnation. here is where lies endless expectation, infinite guilt and constant confusion. would that disappear in the land of somewhere? that's everyone;s dream right? and that's the seduction of vacation (of there).

i don't want a vacation. i want a life. i want a life to give away. right now i feel suffocated. i feel i have no life to give. but that IS life. to give.

i feel i cannot give until i understand. i feel i cannot understand until i leave. but i feel like i cannot leave until i am willing to understand. i just don't know what that is.>>

its an interesting entry to read because here besides the discomfort in my belly from what i just ate, i feel like this is the place i need to be. and its not necessarily the place. its the people, its the energy, its the earth, the sky, the words said, the techniques im learning, the gifts im giving that are making the difference. the opportunity that i have not otherwise had is here and will be here until i am ready to move on. for now. im here. here is where lies infinite possibilities. here is where lies freedom in myself. a new renewed beginning, ending, and everything in the middle. here is where lies healing. do i want freedom? renewal? healing? i tend not to act like it and feel like im living a lie as a result but yes by god yes i want freedom, i want renewal, i want healing. i want to BE YES. and that is where my heart lies. in the yes.

from snowy desert to beachy desert

2008-01-02T19:08:00.000-07:00

what a crappin crazy life im leading these days. i just spent 17 days in the desert of the bennett hills in idaho taking care of 5 youngsters who didnt know how not to get frostbite in the snow and were here because they are at risk youth...celebrated christmas and new years with them and tried to stay sane by laughing with my coinstructor...about everything we could possibly think of under the sun. from making them be a dogsled team, which they luuuved to dragging them along on the coldest windiest day of the year so no one would die on top of the mountain that froze our water bottles as we hiked...starting fires with a piece of steel and a rock and some tinder (dead twigs) to keep us warm at night and rolling packs made out of a big piece of palstic, eating rice and lentils for dinner every nite for over two weeks and trying to make sure the kids didnt shadow poop in the middle of camp at night while we were sleeping...lots to think about...and now well i have less than 40 hours to pack for mexico, figure out where to store the rest of my life, deal iwth taxes and health insurance problems 6 months old and getting lseep before i head to mexico to cook for 30 people for 3 months and do yoga..well...its an interesting life i tell ya and i gotta go work because all ive done all day is procrastinate...and yikes..you should see the room im trying to pack right now....ehheheh. i hope i can write more later...happy new year. any resolutions? to be present where i am at all times...and let lydia come alive behind the negative haibts ive created over my lifetime that i have to unlearn little by leetle.

what is transition really anyway???

2007-12-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

so im in a super transition time right now just having gone to mexico where i learned way more about myself than i expected to and now im back in the desert at my wilderness therapy job and then in two weeks ill be back in mexico to do more yoga yoga and meditation and learning to be present in what we label and box up as mundane goings on of daily life (ironically it definitely is not as i will be a cook at a yoga retreat center in baja mexico on the beach...but thats besides the point)...so anyway all day today my body in particular in my chest area has been tingling like when a part of your body falls asleep and you want to shake it awake but when it happens in your front chest cavity theres no shaking it awake to be done. its more of a crazy almost restless sensation where i want something crazier to be happening that what is now and yet what is now is crazier than well way crazier than what i would call normal. where does that craving for moments like these come from where i want to be in this exciting state of being in the unknown and going into the unknown where there is so much positive potential ive labeled into it for whatever reason and yet in the actual now of those moments i want be there already. what am i not getting? that i am already there. damnit lydia you are here. now. so be here now. tomorrow is tomorrow. be here now. feel and really get to know the sensations in your body especially since you dont have them all the time because then you can really appreciate them fully and really experience them fully so that there is no need to crave or cling to them later. is that what clinging and craving is all about? we are so focused when we get what we think we want that we become so overwhelmed in whats happening we start projecting more of it that should happen in the future or try to verbalize it all away to others to somehow express what is happening instead of simply being still in our own bodies and sensations. i dont f-in want to sit still but that is when it all happens. when what all happens? when you start living life. being in the now and not the past or future. my present right now is being here in the cold wintry desert of idaho at suws, preparing to go to mexico when i leave the desert in 2 weeks and getting ready to go back into the desert tomorrow. yes i do have to think about the future right now BUT i do not have to think if thats all i am doing. there is no try, just do lydia. yes. thinking can happen when i do. i must go do. and in the do i can be present. opportunities to be present are constant. they never leave us and yet we label only vacation or crazy adventures as the only opportunities to be present -if we were to see the boring days as just as much opportunity to be present as climbing say mt. everest we would...well there is limitless potential and possibility as to how much more we could and would relate to ourselves, be aware of what really is reality instead of the illusion that is really our past and future that we deem important to make our main thots of the present. is this bullshit? i was told to write more so that people could know my thots. and tis good because i need to know my thots too. this stream of consciousness went on a way different tangent than i was planning. but then again, it IS a stream of consciousness and i have very much been present in the process of recording this river rushing through my head and into my chestal cavity.

why is being bored so boring

2007-12-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

there have been a lot of times in my lifetime that i have been bored. there is nothing that comes to mind that i really want to do. i feel like there should be something i want or would like to do but cant think of it. so i become or decide to be bored. its an unhappy state of mind. mind, yes its a state of mind. its not a state of the physical body, its not an emotion or a state of your heart. its in your mind, where thoughts are at a constant flow throughout every moment of space and time. a river that never stops or starts, just is. there are never two consecutive thots that are the same. they are in constant motion. the past and future become so much a part of the present that illusion is reality and reality seems far away. when i am bored i want the future and feel like i miss the past. the present? its not a part of me then, its something that is insignificant and unimportant. the present? who needs to be here now when your bored. i mean really you're fucking bored right? i have recently come to a realization, learned that is, or maybe reminded to me from a place i didnt know i used to know, that the state of boredom is an excellent place to be because there really is nothing to be done, the past and future are not necessary or important and rather the present becomes exceedingly more accessible. the present stares you in the face and then waits to be. just be. to let go of a grasping for illusory thoughts and let in the sensations of how boredom feels in your physical body, how thoughts from that rushing river run to your heart and make it pump harder or slow down, helping or constricting your breathing...that is a good place in space and time to be. then space and time become unimportant. i feel like i can write like this all day and then i am purposely avoiding the boredom i am avoiding by expressing myself in the written word. is that a paradox? it feels like one in some ways and then again to express myself now and let the river flow and slosh through my restless fingers onto the keyboard and into the oblivion of the internet is key to letting awareness enter into my body. it is times and moments like these that i can look back to and remember through my eyes because it is moments like these that are hard to store in the rational brain, in the river...these rocks are not heavy enough to remain at the bottom but instead are swept away to an infinite ocean that doesnt exist yet in being searched for constantly by the masses. where can my thoughts really take me? to the door. and then action of mind body and heart are required..and by action i mean inaction...what some call effortless effort right? do i write now to impress? or express? probably both to be completely honest. i dont like to write if its not impressive well maybe a better word is inspiring to me later on. ironically if its boring to me its really not worth putting down on the paper of the infinite book called the world wide web. so i think i will remain now. be inactive with my restless fingers and....

constant change

2007-12-15T13:00:00.001-07:00

is a major part of my life this past year...well at least the last several months. i left connecticut to go west, i was in illinois, idaho, portland, idaho, and then went to mexico for a month only to realize that i need to go back to continue to study what i am finding is where i want to be in my life. did that make sense? yandara yoga institute is a place to find great training wheels to ride the bike of life. there are people there that are so intriguing and fascinating to me that i like the thought of being a part of the community there. there is an energy that heals and draws openness and searching.

out of the desert into oblivion

2007-11-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

each time you remove yourself from the idaho desert there is a state of oblivion you enter before trying to readjust back to 'normal' life outside of work...and the normal life here is every 2 weeks you are OFF. vacation you could call it. whatever. gotta go. something came up and gotta go. tootles.

the next phase...going back...forward in time...back in miles

2007-10-16T04:29:00.000-06:00

yes i am going back tomorrow. to a land of main. the mainland...away from hawaii. oahu to be precise. to portland then boise and the desert. back to wintry winds and hard work. back to a good job and exciting life. vacation is good. it is not the end all be all and that is what makes it beautiful when you can take it. i had a beautiful vacation in rainbow land. i saw many a rainbow, beautiful tropically lush lands and it reminded me of my childhood home enough to refresh my nostalgia of a good life ive had. and i got to spend it here with anna and b. they gave so much to me which i came into blindly and leave with much clearer vision of being more self aware in the company of others. it is amazing how simple things like folding your own clothes and keeping clean can make it less stressful for other people...yes. yes that is true. muu. i am becoming an adult however slowly and the things i realize, however trite or insignificant or what makes a big difference to me. "dont sweat the small stuff" they say, but sometimes the small stuff is what makes life. the little things we do in little moments that make up our day count. dont sweat the small stuff meaning what? take things liter. yes fur sure. but clean up yur shits get yur act together man. nothings free but you CAN give freely. that is the trick. when you give freely receiving hits home harder and you CAN be more grateful. it helps you to understand the sacrifice of giving. because it always is but sacrifice does not have to have a negative connotation we so often give it. sacrifice is beautiful. like hawaii and my time with my sister who i havent known in so long. we got to know each other a little more. some might say too much but when the stress and shitz hit her ceiling fan in their apartment and got scattered and swished around the room we could see it and find it and gather it up and clean it. and it felt better. and weve had a good time. i luv you anna. can i be thankful that i have a wonderful family. i have a wonderful sister. she has a wonderful B. i dont have to worry. lydia, you do not have to worry about yourself. you CAN trust yourself. trust yourself and you will be able to let your guard down with others and trust them that they trust themselves as well. let your guard down lydia. trust is beautiful. people are beautiful. enjoy them like youve enjoyed letting the water wash off negative energy as you cleanse your running sweat away and as you swim in hawaii blue waters at ala moana beach park. yes. guess. shess. be swish lyds. be swish.

tell me this...is all lost?

2007-10-14T02:29:00.000-06:00

tell me this...is all lost? has the world gone to shits? is there something i can do? i ask you outside myself because i have no answer within. questions questions. its all full of questions. answerable? that is questionable. to some there is truth. to others simply the search will do. then some force a truth of fear. is it all a cover to hide what we dont want to show. or can life go on amidst it all. can it be better than it once was? will it ever be better than today?
some thoughts after watching the movie DOWNFALL for the second time...about Hitler and inside the core of the Third Reich during WWII. It seems unreal to be there in that time in that mindset yet totally believable if not only because it happened but because i dunno. how do you connect a movie like that with what is happening today in darfur, in iraq, in the world. the secretary said she didnt know so she didnt feel responsible for what happened during the war (secretary to hitler). so was she full of bull? if we ignore whats going on, does that mean we dont need to do anything. should guilt exist on our parts for living outside of their lives? some say live your life, dont be miserable because of others. some say, one person can make a big f-in difference so go do it. still others condemn those who do or think nothing of it and talk talk talk to hope that if they can at least talk it will diminish a guilt they have. who's right? who's wrong? what do you do -what do i do? does it matter? it can go on and on...well is it about heaven and hell? or is it simply about evolution and natural selection? either way, how do you live from day to day when thoughts like these cross your path. does it become an obsession? is it an endless search? just smile. its all gonna be fine right? please tell me that mommy. right? can you think for me please? im too scared to think for myself. just smile. dont worry be happy. love others and do your part. whats your part? its up to you not me to figure that one out. i could continue all day. for now, to get out some random outbursts of tandem thought is good for now. some shits on the computer and then sleep. tomorrow i will go to the beach and feel the sun. that is all for now.

realizing shits

2007-10-06T15:25:00.000-06:00

yes. iz good to realize shits. seriously. vacation is not where its at...but at the same time it has been for me. i just talked for a gooodd gooods time with me zizter and itwas good because we developed more boundaries with each other and realized boundaries in ourselves. what did i realize or clarify? well, anything i want or need in my life at this point is up to me completely and i have been thinking it has been up to other people as well. ive grown up selfish and unaware and love to have mirrors that are reminding of that so i change. i love to love people by finding out about and respecting their boundaries and then giving gifts (in various forms depending on the person and relationship). as i see mirrors i become more aware of how others have been self aware and grew so much from that when i wasnt and can respect them a lot for not being affected by me. i am learned to be unaffected more and more by people, places, circumstances, etc. its just a whole bunch of shits and i want to write about it today. later. first, i have to respect boundaries of where im staying and clean up my shits and make a nice stressfree house nad self. take care of myself lyds. pliz. thankyou. yes. i am so thankful that i was aware enough in myself to come here and see my life in a different light (literally, the sun here is just what my body has been craving for so many months) and take charge again. i luv to charge at life like the bull (taurus) that i am. peace.

travels

2007-10-04T20:37:00.000-06:00

thiz iz anna talkings to a dolphin practizing her sales job...tis good to be here. but yet again i tink i subconsciously go places to escape maybe or to start anew and my issues still are there. tiz ok tho. becuz i will always something that i want to run away from but it iz alllll about facing it head on rights? i just watched a movie about this crazy ass guy who had one leg in ghana and decided to make the stereotype wrong of disabled people being beggars so he wrote a grant proposal to the USA and got a grant to bike 600miles across ghana with only one leg...he became an icon, went to the states, did a triatholon and then got a new leg and did more and wow...its amazing some peoples mindsets. there are no limits in their mind. and that is good. so i have been thinking, which i tend to do a lot of ... and i was feeling lo but why lydia, i asked myself and for real, there is no good reason because i am very thankful for where i am in life and i am learning to take care of myself better and better and that is good. thhere are lessons that i continue to have to learn again and again but that is good because that is a part of life. take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, do not judge a book (yourself) but its cover...and love. its all about love yo. seriously. i want to explore that more.. i dont quite know how yet but that is coming. i do not want to wait anymore. i have waited for my life to 'get better' or for 'answers' but maybe that was an excuse to not face things? no. thats fine to wait. but now i dont want to wait. i want to stride confidently forward. i do.

that was last night. this is today. pliz.

2007-10-01T14:10:00.001-06:00

seriously pliz. i woke up this morn. and felt blue. it was cloudy but gorgeously misty in the rainforesty mtns. a ways a way. i decided to open the windows like joel did when he visited and it makes all the different. you are so much closer to outside. waits. lemme go check my tea. me tea looksa like coffee. damn i make strongs tea. shits. i wanna just be in shape youz know? yes youz do. who doesnt really. really and truly. but i guess its not about what we wants all za time. wait. what the fk. did i just write that for> being what? ok. stop. so yes. i have a strong will, to continue what i wrote last nite at 1am. and i woke up and had that amazing breakfast but the yogurt doesnt like me...so tomorrow i think itll just be fruit. good toe. i really like the feeling of being hungry. for so long i did not allow myself to feel that because i wanted to feel bad physically since ive been feeling bad (more outa sorts, disoriented, too much transition overwhelmed, yada yada yada)...its interesting how we all like metaphors...in the literal sense too. like if you have pain in your heart, there are girls that want to show others their pain and doen tknow how so they cut themselves, then there are kids (ie. anyone) who drink their sorrows away and get so fked up that they feel physcially bad and cant work the next morn. we want to show phsycailly how we feel insides. not the best way to do it i guess. but now i want to again yet this time reverse it meaning i want to show this gut feeling deep down that i am excited to be alive and here in tropicalland hawaii and that i feel good insde so i want to outside...it takes a long time to show it outside sometimes (back to getting in shape topic) but whatever. i believe i can get in shape and look real good by oct. 16 because i am going to take care of myself here. i wants to buy a digital camera AAAANNNNDD i want annas to have a scanner so i can put all her wondimus photos on the computer and internet...damns yo. i think i will finish my tea and then check outta here for a while.

yet again...i decide for a change. vacation!!

2007-10-01T01:45:00.000-06:00

yes pliz. i went back to idaho to get a WFR (wilderness first responder certificate) for free and then i got offered 2 frkn more weeks of work which is a good thing...oh yeah i decided against seattle thingy so now i work in idaho again. but now i am in hawaii-honolulu to be exact.../visitin anna. and her b. im so glad im here. moms and pops asked me how i felt and i told them i feel like im home because i got that same feeling of walking into a wet blanket when i got off the plane as i did everytime i returned to abidjan, cote divoire. it feels good to have moist skin from the air especially in contrast to the wintry blasts of wind gusts i got thrown at me before leaving the idaho desert. im going back to that at the end of october and apparently it can snow then so this is a much needed and mind you desired vacation i finally decided to give myself. yeah. i cant wait for an amazing breakfast of cut up papaya and banana, slathered in homemade yogurt with coconut flakes, and cinnamon strewn about and stirred in. it sounds like hawaii. woohoo. im gonna check out pacific quest while im here. at least give them a call. and maybe work for them a week. now thad be cool. to make a little cash here and have a fantastic experience meanwhile. im getting in shape. ive made up my mind and it wont be hard because i have an f=in strong will. i know i do and im also quite stubborn so thats good. cool. im damntired for shit right now so must go...must go...but first let me put a picture on this mofo journal so its not just writing...nevermind. ill take one and post it later. dude.

a trailer i'll call home?

2007-08-22T01:17:00.000-06:00

so...good toe. (thats the way i used to end my poetry when i was younger). speaking of poetry. someone once read me my favorite poem that i cried to instantly upon hearing it but now i dont know the name or title or words or anything. i just vaguely remember a line that possibly said 'you do not have to be good' or something like that. damn. my memory doesnt cooperate with me sometimes. ive been told i need to update you on the goings on of my current life. my current situation. my current moment to moment passings by and such. well. im closer to making a decision about attending the wilderness awareness school in duvall, WA. it is an incredible looking program and according to a woman who's ex owns the trailer...its a transforming program. i want to be a part of that. yesireedoobob. certainly i tell ya. certainly. i had a lo day today. i was full blast into the second day of mr. period. damn blood, hormones, and shitty useless thots! seriously man. get the fuck out of my head. you only waste my time. ok. positive. pliz. positive now. zankyo. ok. pliz. apparently i can get health insurance under my parents if i am in school full time until the age of 25. woohoo. thats sweet news. and ive been given a gift of basically $3500 this coming year for school. my car insurance will be paid and i will be loaned, interest free $2000. do people love me> i do indeed think so. gifts are beautiful and they mirror the beautiful givers. but they are simply reflections. the real deal is so much better. i love my parents.
i was actually looking at trailers today and rv's thinking of buying one myself. heh. think of that. well, then i realized i have no idea how to upkeep one of those things and where would i put it to live? a trailer park? is there one near duvall?

this is the thing. i need to find a place to stay if i am going to live in duvall and go to WARP (wilderness awareness residential program). i dont want to pay rent or pay little if possible. buying a trailer would be cheaper than rent. but i figured the upkeep and such and such would probably end of costing more and being more stressful. i would rather pay for peace of mind thankyo. but the reason i am into trailers you ask? well, because i was offered to live in a trailer in someones driveway for FREE in exchange for being a nanny only two days a week (the 2 days i wouldnt be in school). my interview is on saturday. i guess i'll make my decision then. and apply to different positions in town.

i cant wait to have as an assignment to spend at least 30-60 min per day alone in nature in my self assigned 'sit spot' they call it where i will journal and be 'one' or as close to 'one' with nature as possible. i luv it. calmness and peace. peace of mind. love of self. pleez come find me. i will be waiting everyday in my sit spot that i have yet to choose. thank you.

Now this is why I moved West

2007-08-21T12:14:00.000-06:00

MT. ADAMS! This is the first mountain I have ever climbed and well been that near to that I can remember (before that I was a baby in the Swiss alps but dont remember-just pictures)...I climbed and climbed up past the clouds where i had only ever been in a plane before. I had knee problems earlier in the week on a hike so yikes i was nervous...damn. if you are afraid of heights it makes you panicky. which i didnt think i was til i was here climbing up rocks at a 45 to 30 degree angle or less, above the clouds, not knowin which rock would spilt down the mtn. from under me and trying to breathe in the thinning air...exhilirating, scary as hell, and it makes you feel smaller than you ve ever felt before in your life.

those kids are happyness

2007-08-11T00:01:00.000-06:00

Happiness man. thats grand. i was just talkin to that one on the phone and she was telling me i was making my life too complicated...i agree but its hard not to. i have these decisions on what to do and well...they all seem good..to an extent and then there are things that i just do NOT like or something i want differnt...i guess thats life all the time. there is good and bad. its not all good. damnit why not.

yoga teaching? perhaps

2007-08-06T16:48:00.000-06:00

so i went to yoga today at 6am. woof. after going to bed this past week between 2-4a it was an early start to the day but i decided that today i was going to start a new phase of my life in tandem with my sister anna who quit smoking today, her birthday. we are both going through a new phase of self care. what brot this on for me was that in 3 weeks daniel, my cousin asked me to climb Mt. Adams with him...yikes. ive never climbed a mt. before and so want to be ready freddy. but i took this as an opportunity to do yoga to make it a part of my life and take care of myself because i really need to get in this habit if i want to work at suws and if i want to live a healthy happy life. so here is a yoga place i mite look into to become a teacher...http://www.7centers.com/Teacher_Training/teacher_training.html and http://www.living-yoga.org/applications.html#tt..so thats its for now.

my parents are so beautiful

2007-08-04T04:14:00.000-06:00

my parents are such beautiful people indeedie. even more so now. they are filling up (not yet full, i dont think you ever can be) with wisdom as the moments, the years, pass by. well, i guess you could say they are passing by but that feels like we arent doing anything in the midst of the time slipping away or something. i have made strong choices to live differently than i was in CT. time is i guess passing by a little here but the years are not. this year i am quite proactive in my decisions to live life damnit live it. now i need to get that attitude for the daily basis and even the moment to moment basis.

so about the picture. i tend to forget about teh pciture. they are so youhng and happy looking. i went to powell;s (apparently the biggest used book store in the world? or so they claim) with paul and annie and elias tonite. it was fun. so much to choose from...literrally. i think i want to go there every day dude. seriously. they have a cute little coffee shop that i could go spend time reading in every day. cool.

i always forget to title these things...i guess i dont have to...

2007-08-04T03:49:00.000-06:00

ok. i really need to get on a better sleep schedule here. hopefully paulandannie will call early tomorrow (meaning before 11a-when im getting up these days) to hike...because its already 3;05a...anyway. to go against all that i will explain the picture. its of last october in 06 -dam that was a long time ago. when i had long hair,..anyway so yeah my grandpa got married to ginnie. he;s 84 here i think. he go remarried at 84 yrs old and im sure was the happiest man alive that day. its amazing. there is always hope out there to find someone. thats just amazing that they found each other. cuz he was fur sure lookin. he needs a companion, before her it was a dog to keep him compnay. but she came and out went the dog. poof. gone.

its weird. i look back at that picture of me and think. oh i wish i still looked like that. thinner with long hair. i was so pretty and happy. well. pictures show a visual of a happy posing face. thats about it. i mean. candids. yeah anwya. thats not the point. a lot of times when i look at myself where i think i look good i think that the looking good automatically translates to happy which is NOT the case. sometimes yes. but many times not any more than now ya know. and i am certainly glad of the place i am at in my life. jobless, homeless, and in a place i have never lived before where i basically know no one except my cousins who im temporarily staying with...yikes. should i sleep? purrrhapps. i think so. its just about that time to lyds.

laura the grand

2007-08-02T01:46:00.000-06:00

she is a grand friend i tell ya. here we are, or she is rather on a sailboat that we were on last saturday on the columbia river. imagine a perfect sky, perfect weather, and perfect temperature of the water (so refreshing you wish you could stay in that moment forever)

shopping carts

2007-08-02T01:23:00.000-06:00

i remember sitting in the old photography room at CCSU, now it has turned into a computer stupid lab for digital photography where there arent enough computers for the students and no good teachers to teach...as a darkroom it was much better and quaint i guess. anyway, i sat with my lydia salad in front of me in a tupperware munching on a fresh picked carrot as i looked through a photography magazine. actually not even looking through. the cover is what grabbed my attention. it was a beautiful shot of a line of shopping carts outside a grocery store at night with a light shining down and then something on one of the carts...i wish i could describe it better but my memory has failed me yet again...that;s why i dont like to tell stories...anyway it was very inspiring and i wanted to be that photographer at that moment so i guess this is a recreation of what i wanted to do in the moment...my version, after i picked some overripened marionberries.

marionberry pickin

2007-08-02T01:06:00.001-06:00

so we went berry pickin the other day. cousins rebecca, paul, annie and baby elias. it was a grand ole time you know. we were on sauvie island on a stormy sort of day. it was a blustery day, like in winnie the pooh i would imagine. strangely enough there were no berries to be picked. only enough to be eatin. which was quite fine for all of us considering we could purchase the amount we wanted (if we wanted any) in the farm store and the rest we simply picked and ate. a fresh free fruity desert after a delicious trader joes lunch of astounding guacamole (mind you, made with 5 avocadoes and only 2.99-quite a steal and cheaper to buy), some pitas, some chips, some cheese, some ham, and some cookies. scrumptious. and then we topped it off with blueberries, marionberries, raspberries, blackberries, and for the first time pickin some wonderful strawberries (my favorite). i remember a few months ago when i was working at whole foods and i was recreating some small signs for olive oils, and vinegars and such. there were gorgeous pictures from california of vineyards and just beautiful farms and such and this picture i took of where we picked, well it reminded me of those pictures. had i had any idea at the time in the stuffy office that i would soon be able to jump into those photos, i think i might have cherished that time a little more. but too bad. thats gone for now and im here now. and this is better for me. much better. im much poorer to say the least but poor and happy. cant be that.

the 'burbs

2007-06-17T22:56:00.000-06:00

has anyone seen that movie? with Tom Hanks> its pretty rediculous (-ly funny too)..about suburbia...about nonsense...about having nothing better to do than snoop in other peoples business but it was so fantastically melodramatic. im suburbia. i want to escape suburbia. the comforts of it. so comfortable in fact that i become miserable. everything becomes too easy. convenient. appliances, ac, tv, comfy comfy comfy comfort zone and then what. you dont work for your food except in a cubicle from 9-5 where the only connection you have with other humans is standing around the water hole trying to talk about something else other than work...the weather...which always seems to suck no matter rain or shine. oh yes, or you can talk about that employee over there who eats all day and never gains weight> gosh whats her problem or the boss who is afraid of confrotation, why is he the boss anyways? screw him eh? i want to escape that yes. i do. so im off to the desert. where there are too many rules to count. im off to be a keeper of kids ...youth at risk...juvenile deliquents...why does that word sound so awful...some of them are i guess...sent to psych hospitals...but thats a story for another day...to sweat my balls off...if i had them...to kill, skin, and eat rattlesnakes...been there done that...enough with the ... already come on. i wanna be in shape so i watch the teli and eat all day. thatll just about do it. yup. ill be super ready for hiking with a heavy pack on and kids calling me all kinds of names because they have to drink down all their water and count when they go to the bathroom. am i looking forward to this job? HELL YA! why the hell am i looking forward to this job? well first off im scared shitless. seriously. scared of failing perhaps...failing miserably...well more falling apart feeling like i wont be able to take it. but thats when you learning the most right? when you have no other choice but survival. you gotta do the hard stuff to survive. and i wanted a time and place to do that. well it fell right into my lap. lets see how i do...i start july 9th. wish me good luck. or just send your positive energy my way, in whatever form that takes cuz im gonna need it. fur sure dude. tootles.