Hello,
What is this state im in? im completely bored and don’t wanna go outside because I feel like I have a lot to do. When I walk in my room I get overwhelmed. Im really tempted to go to the store, buy some shit and in front of a crappy movie and then fall asleep only to wake up in a similar state feeling bad about myself for not going to a yoga class and wasting time or something. I search and search and search on the internet for a job or something. Ive gone through this many times before where months or weeks go by and im just sitting here on the internet looking for a job. And I don’t find one. Ahhh. I keep looking for something. What do I want. Maybe I should write about my intentions.
Some intentions I have.
I want to live in a space that is open, quiet surroundings with green preferably inside and out (plants inside, trees/grass outside). I want to live with people who are like minded and who can keep boundaries without being passive aggressive. Who don’t take me too seriously but are willing to be honest and blunt with me. I want to live in a place I can bike places. I want to have a bike that I can ride to like a store or something or coffee shop. I want to have a job where I work with tweeners or kids in older elementary school. I want to be able to teach yoga regularly at least 2 times a week. I want to be able to take yoga classes regularly at least 5 times a week without having to pay. I want to live simply when it comes to food where I can basically live from day to day eating very similar and basic things. I want to develop routines of meditating in the morning and night and doing yoga on my own. I want to live in a way that I am inspired to do art.
I think I can go clean my room now for a bit and then see what happens…toodles.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
what to write now...hmmm
ive had several experiences this year i thot would never happen or that i wouldnt even be interested in taking part in, and yet they happened and im thankful. i understand bits and pieces of the world, of humanity i didnt before. not that its necessary to always understand every bit and piece of humanity for example what goes through a murderers mind. i wouldnt want to murder in order to find that out...obviously.
boring....
ive been on bedrest since i came back from ct. its kind of annoying but then again im learning quite a bit about myself and what im like, within, without relationships, living in my friends room, taking up room, taking up space, letting it be ok to be taken care of the first day, wondering about whats next. whats next in this transition for me. where will i be taken, where will i take myself.
its most rediculous how many hundreds of perspectives on everything there is in life especially in spirituality and religion. sex, ethics. and to each their own. and yet each person thinks they are right and there are hundreds more ways of looking at it and thinking its right...
how do we know/ do we know. we each choose what to believe, what to make of our lives. what have i chosen? existentialism and cynicism have been so intriguing to me especially growing up because they were in such start constrast to the way of believing everything was perfect if and only if you believed or else HELL...i luv you or i send you to hell. damn yo. damn. and yet thats only one way of looking at it. someone once said spirituality and religion is the only part of my life where i suspend belief and let it be irrational...how why would you do that? i mean, isnt that crucial to sensibility, to rationality of any part of your life? maybe not, for me yes oh yes it is. and yet i fall into that pattern of dreaming and hoping my dreams, my hopes, my wishes are more real than my physical reality, that what is actually here and happening now.
so much is in our head. soo soo soo much is in our head. what is realin our head/ are our dreams more real than when we wake up? who knows what the reality is. whats what. being ungrounded is frightening, fun, and makes you feel upside down and inside out. its exploratory space of infinite possiblities within the limits of our own minds and consciousnesses that it.
can our consciousnessses be limitless? i dont even know if im sure what that means. what are fields of consciousness? im curious. can we hop from one to the other playfully. where is the discipline in all this? are there basic truths that have got humans through it all? love. love is essential right? or do we keep telling ourselves that. in experience, yes love is essential. what is experience. what the fuck is experience? we put labels on what is unlabelable and then those labels limit what actually is or what potential there is. man if only i could express myself outside of words yet in them. how the hell would i do that. who the f knows really. well tata for now. strangers among us.
boring....
ive been on bedrest since i came back from ct. its kind of annoying but then again im learning quite a bit about myself and what im like, within, without relationships, living in my friends room, taking up room, taking up space, letting it be ok to be taken care of the first day, wondering about whats next. whats next in this transition for me. where will i be taken, where will i take myself.
its most rediculous how many hundreds of perspectives on everything there is in life especially in spirituality and religion. sex, ethics. and to each their own. and yet each person thinks they are right and there are hundreds more ways of looking at it and thinking its right...
how do we know/ do we know. we each choose what to believe, what to make of our lives. what have i chosen? existentialism and cynicism have been so intriguing to me especially growing up because they were in such start constrast to the way of believing everything was perfect if and only if you believed or else HELL...i luv you or i send you to hell. damn yo. damn. and yet thats only one way of looking at it. someone once said spirituality and religion is the only part of my life where i suspend belief and let it be irrational...how why would you do that? i mean, isnt that crucial to sensibility, to rationality of any part of your life? maybe not, for me yes oh yes it is. and yet i fall into that pattern of dreaming and hoping my dreams, my hopes, my wishes are more real than my physical reality, that what is actually here and happening now.
so much is in our head. soo soo soo much is in our head. what is realin our head/ are our dreams more real than when we wake up? who knows what the reality is. whats what. being ungrounded is frightening, fun, and makes you feel upside down and inside out. its exploratory space of infinite possiblities within the limits of our own minds and consciousnesses that it.
can our consciousnessses be limitless? i dont even know if im sure what that means. what are fields of consciousness? im curious. can we hop from one to the other playfully. where is the discipline in all this? are there basic truths that have got humans through it all? love. love is essential right? or do we keep telling ourselves that. in experience, yes love is essential. what is experience. what the fuck is experience? we put labels on what is unlabelable and then those labels limit what actually is or what potential there is. man if only i could express myself outside of words yet in them. how the hell would i do that. who the f knows really. well tata for now. strangers among us.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
theres two of you
two of you. strangers to me. do i know one and not the other. do i not know either? why the angst. for what. a need for what. to fill something? to accept love im not accepting in myself? from myself? to myself. that im not giving myself? how do i give love to myself the way i want to receive it from others? thats an interesting question i telly you. vurry vurry interesting. because its quite different in realm, in reality, in the physcial emotional reality of the thing. suddenly things happen. i dont understand but flowing makes it feel like an adventure. acupuncture made me a believer today, yesserie bob. of my knee. instant and very quivk healing. amazing really. to confirm yet again an intuitino ive had about alternative medicine, chinese meds to be precise. or more the intention behind it. i mean ive been on bedrest since smashing it however i have not given it the comfort the meditative stillness i know it needs and well i was in the acupuncture room for an hour by myself after needles were put in my head, ears, toes, knees, etc. one drew a little blood even in my toe but apparently tahts a good thing for that specific needle to do.
ok enough of that. reappearances in my life. of you and then there is well goodness, angst, love, joy, restlessness, invigoration, and interestingly enough not too much of the nonsense negative stuff i usually moan and groan about. is this a mtn top i will fall off soon? i guess i need to prepare myself for that because that is a definite patternin my life and the valley is just as low in depth as the mtn is high in height. meditate lyds. meditate. the usual advice i intuitively give myself and deny myself of over and over again.
why do we deny ourselves the very things that will heal us? why is cynicism so much easier for me than optimism? actually these days optimism has taken its turn and it is feeling better but very unnerving and ungrounding, besides the fact that yet again im homeless (staying witha dear friend), jobless and in transtion.
my life is transition. why dont i ever get that? change happens throughout our moments. what is a moment anyway. it is a stop a period in space and time where change doesnt exist. how do we define our moments and put lines around them? i mean we think linearly in time right. lines lines lines. i like circles. im beginning to like circles, the curves of my own body, thank god. finally, but it comes ever so slowly. patience and nurturing without expectations. openness to what is. sometimes i feel frustrated at how i can write esorterrically but not really know exactly what i mean or really apply it to the next moment when my fingers are not hurriedly scrambling across the keyboard to get out my racing river of thots.
is this good for now? i kinda wanna see it on my blog so ill stop.
ok enough of that. reappearances in my life. of you and then there is well goodness, angst, love, joy, restlessness, invigoration, and interestingly enough not too much of the nonsense negative stuff i usually moan and groan about. is this a mtn top i will fall off soon? i guess i need to prepare myself for that because that is a definite patternin my life and the valley is just as low in depth as the mtn is high in height. meditate lyds. meditate. the usual advice i intuitively give myself and deny myself of over and over again.
why do we deny ourselves the very things that will heal us? why is cynicism so much easier for me than optimism? actually these days optimism has taken its turn and it is feeling better but very unnerving and ungrounding, besides the fact that yet again im homeless (staying witha dear friend), jobless and in transtion.
my life is transition. why dont i ever get that? change happens throughout our moments. what is a moment anyway. it is a stop a period in space and time where change doesnt exist. how do we define our moments and put lines around them? i mean we think linearly in time right. lines lines lines. i like circles. im beginning to like circles, the curves of my own body, thank god. finally, but it comes ever so slowly. patience and nurturing without expectations. openness to what is. sometimes i feel frustrated at how i can write esorterrically but not really know exactly what i mean or really apply it to the next moment when my fingers are not hurriedly scrambling across the keyboard to get out my racing river of thots.
is this good for now? i kinda wanna see it on my blog so ill stop.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
beautiful beings
dance around life beating their wings of love and suffering all mixed together. i have spent several love filled days with family. who ive projected so much onto in the past and when i could let htat go, there is love. oh so much love. studying the wrinkles in time on my grandma's face makes me wanna to snuggle into her wisdom. seeing my mom, cute short little unassuming mom who is wise beyond her 58 years. yes beyond that and her interest and deep curiosity on my journey, my path in exploring life's truths and my own self proclaimed failures. my papa who i spent many wonderful hours exclaiming joyously about nature as we backpacked in the white mountains, seeing falls, moose tracks, white berries with florescent pink stems, rocking rivers, dehydrated eggs for breakfast, hot chocolate and reading before bed to each other. those are precious moments that have caught my memory and will stay there until they float on. the videos and pictures capture some of the no they hardly do.
i luv you. i dont know who you are. i luv you. you suffer each day. you feel like you are in a bottomless pit. you see the sun and dance because you know life is worth living. then you sit down to coffee and write about the sea and rhythms. you play the drums like an angel and use your hands to make works of magnificent art that are very practical too around the house. i luv you who feels like you are alone in the world. i luv you who feels like you are not worth loving. guess what. i luv you. why? because the luv i have is everywhere. open your eyes, listen. do you hear it. can you taste it on your tongue. the beauty? the ugliness of life? its all mixed intogheter like splattered paint on a canvas and sometimes it is purely abstract and sometimes it is a labyrinth of extraordinary i dont know things perhaps?
angst. i feel angst. in the form of jittery flutterings throughout my body. from my solar plexus to my toes, writhing through my fingers as i transfer thot to tangible letters into an intangible ethernet of jumbles and jumbles of humanity's mass communications or really lack there of in many ways of the ignorance. wow this is really stream of consciousness. i need to sleep before i fly fly into the next moment in time and space located in asheville where i will find friends waiting for me and love them love them love them. also i luv you. did i not say that already?
i want to express the depth of my being but am not quite sure how that can transfer to anything tangible. and yet i search for tangible rational answers to the meaning of life. interesting i say. vurry intrasting.
i luv you. i dont know who you are. i luv you. you suffer each day. you feel like you are in a bottomless pit. you see the sun and dance because you know life is worth living. then you sit down to coffee and write about the sea and rhythms. you play the drums like an angel and use your hands to make works of magnificent art that are very practical too around the house. i luv you who feels like you are alone in the world. i luv you who feels like you are not worth loving. guess what. i luv you. why? because the luv i have is everywhere. open your eyes, listen. do you hear it. can you taste it on your tongue. the beauty? the ugliness of life? its all mixed intogheter like splattered paint on a canvas and sometimes it is purely abstract and sometimes it is a labyrinth of extraordinary i dont know things perhaps?
angst. i feel angst. in the form of jittery flutterings throughout my body. from my solar plexus to my toes, writhing through my fingers as i transfer thot to tangible letters into an intangible ethernet of jumbles and jumbles of humanity's mass communications or really lack there of in many ways of the ignorance. wow this is really stream of consciousness. i need to sleep before i fly fly into the next moment in time and space located in asheville where i will find friends waiting for me and love them love them love them. also i luv you. did i not say that already?
i want to express the depth of my being but am not quite sure how that can transfer to anything tangible. and yet i search for tangible rational answers to the meaning of life. interesting i say. vurry intrasting.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
im willing to admit...i put a profile up on okcupid and actually made some good friends...
and here are things i posted while on it...im deleting my profile but i wanted to keep some of my writings so why not here eh??
Jul 24
krishnamurti-a wise man? well he makes me think
We go to the well with a thimble
Life is so rich, has so many treasures, we go to it with empty hearts; we do not know how to fill our hearts with the abundance of life. We are poor inwardly and when the riches are offered to us, we refuse. Love is a dangerous thing, it brings the only revolution that gives complete happiness. So few of us are capable of love, so few want love. We love on our own terms, making of love a marketable thing. We have the market mentality and love is not marketable, a give-and-take affair. It is a state of being in which all man's problems are resolved. We go to the well with a thimble and so life becomes a tawdry affair, puny and small.
Letters to a Young Friend - 7
my question: is making us think by telling us how negatively we live life...positive? do you make someone think positive by telling them they think negatively??
Jul 21
ego booster
yep i admit. okc is more of an ego booster than any feel or sense of fulfillment in any real sense. whatever the word real means. it seems like a hope or something to distract myself from the sense of feeling or being alone sometimes so instead i go to a place that doesnt actually exist and search out a sense of fulfillment by searching and trying to read into meaning or try to analyze or make up meaning...hmmm...sounds like a lot of other parts in my life. yep. distracting myself from the simplicity of the moment, from the why the hell not be here in this moment yo and breathe and discover what it means to observe self without analyzation or any other labeling crap. just be and let be...somehow that seems sounds and reads as really boring. i really wish it werent cuz it also somehow seems like where thered be a lot of answers if i was willing to stop and go there...rather be here...now...damn it.
Commented Jul 21
What a fantastic post. I love seeing people in the middle of self-awareness - it's a wonderful gift to give to those of us paying attention. So see, you're for a good reason - giving others hope for this messed up world. Thank you.
Commented Jul 21
This was a really wonderful read this morning. Thanks :)
Jul 3
you've been added to his favorites list...
mmm...should that make me feel special or something? sometimes i wonder why i am even on this...i mean seriously. so ive had some good conversations and such...and a bit more than that...
right now it feels poopy to post myself like this and have people compliment me who know absolutely shit about me. seriously. of course im gonna lie and put shit forward -and by lie i mean only picking certain things i want to show about myself. so who the fuck cares ya know? did i tell you im bulimic (id like to think im recovering), take meds for being bipolar (tho thats more of a self diagnosis), and depressed? ok. so not so attractive anymore eh? nope didnt think so.
yeah we are all fucked up. right now im feeling it quite a bit and after working with a bunch of rich kids who are ridiculously fucked up and dont care about changing at all makes life seem a bit strange...
rejection sucks but what sucks more is avoiding life and relaity. avoiding the uncomfortableness of feelings i dont wanna feel or sensationsin my body i immediately label as bad, avoided, should be gotten rid of unless i eat or sleep it off or something. we always think there is someone out there for us...poop on that because ya know what...if you cant be happy with yourself, why the hell are you gonna put that pressure on someone else to make you happy. only you can make yourself happy. and if you cant do it by yourself then....yur in trouble and your relationships wont last or be fulfilling anyway. if we all just faced ourselves and our own loneliness which will never go away no matter how much we run from it to others, well i think we'd all get along a little better and the violence wthin ourselves and our relationships mite diminish a bit. enough to smile more than once or twice.
thats all dude. thats it for now...
May 21
a note from my sister on my blog
I'm at the edge of this thought. I can't quite jump into the middle of the sheet and bounce around, but it's something like: just cuz you do what you do or have done what you have done, just because it is or has been destructive in one way or another, it doesn't mean anything about you you. It doesn't add judgement or color or character or non-character or strength or weakness or beautiful or ugly or potential or not potential to you. It just is. And that's all. It's nothing to feel anything about, in particular. I don't know. I'm still trying to grasp exactly what I see the tip off, maybe the more I talk, the more of the sheet I'll be able to grab. anyway....does it make any sense? I guess I'm saying it also isn't a failure. You shouldn't look at it like a failure or a weakness or anything like that. It's just another thread in the quilt of your life and recovery is a different color thread, and...hmmmm...It's not a reason not to keep your chin up and look people straight in the eye, anyway. By the way, I love the article you sent us today. I just read it on break from start to finish. Did you see that she quoted the Oriah Mountain Dreamer (that thing I found in college and fell in love with B.M. for, without realizing that it wasn't him, but the thing he read that made me fall in love?)... yOu know, "I want to know if you can sit with suffering, mine and yours, and do nothing to fix it, change it, move it" or something like that. Anyway, love you (it rings so nicely off my silent tongue). Lata.
May 21
hugs are nice
a hug would be nice right about now...i like hugs. why dont we as humans touch each other more...and why does any form of touch these days only seem to be related to some sort of sexual advance rather than simply connecting...showing affection for another human being of the same species...of comfort...of being calm, peaceful...i like those kind of hugs...
May 12
iz interesting
the rate at which we disclose information to others and the reasons and intentions if any behind that rate...and how the rate itself changes depending on so many variables...interesting to ponder. as i chat and notice that...how it differs from person to person
May 9
does anyone else write or have blogs?
profiles here seem so limited...what goes through your mind stranger? on a day to day basis?a nything intersting? anything more than what small talk would present? mmm...yep...nothings new under the sun eh? actually tho so many things are new to each person unlimited in fact that we seem not to care about...we think we know what life is about. we think our perspecive is it. fuck that man. seriously. i mean why are we so tunnel visioned ? even about our open and tolerant philosophies about the world....
Apr 28
this seems dumb
i mean why am i at home alone pretending to communicate when i could just walk outside, enjoy the fresh air and get to know people, in like real time and space...energetically and stuff...i dont know. this is a strange idea...this type of site. dont really know why im on it except boredeom and curiosity about shit like this...well and i like taking all those ridiculously stupid and way too assuming tests...that are random. meh.
Apr 27
are we all hiding?
i mean it seems like there is this unsaid like expectation to put your best side forth wheterh its true about you or not just so you can get what you want or something...i felt like i was like writing a cover letter doing my profile. its weird how there are certain things we feel like we need to hide from each other in order to fit in or to seem more attractive or this or that bullshit...i guess i play the same game cuz theres stuff on here i guess i wouldnt just blurt out. is that sane or just stupid. just a thot
Jul 24
krishnamurti-a wise man? well he makes me think
We go to the well with a thimble
Life is so rich, has so many treasures, we go to it with empty hearts; we do not know how to fill our hearts with the abundance of life. We are poor inwardly and when the riches are offered to us, we refuse. Love is a dangerous thing, it brings the only revolution that gives complete happiness. So few of us are capable of love, so few want love. We love on our own terms, making of love a marketable thing. We have the market mentality and love is not marketable, a give-and-take affair. It is a state of being in which all man's problems are resolved. We go to the well with a thimble and so life becomes a tawdry affair, puny and small.
Letters to a Young Friend - 7
my question: is making us think by telling us how negatively we live life...positive? do you make someone think positive by telling them they think negatively??
Jul 21
ego booster
yep i admit. okc is more of an ego booster than any feel or sense of fulfillment in any real sense. whatever the word real means. it seems like a hope or something to distract myself from the sense of feeling or being alone sometimes so instead i go to a place that doesnt actually exist and search out a sense of fulfillment by searching and trying to read into meaning or try to analyze or make up meaning...hmmm...sounds like a lot of other parts in my life. yep. distracting myself from the simplicity of the moment, from the why the hell not be here in this moment yo and breathe and discover what it means to observe self without analyzation or any other labeling crap. just be and let be...somehow that seems sounds and reads as really boring. i really wish it werent cuz it also somehow seems like where thered be a lot of answers if i was willing to stop and go there...rather be here...now...damn it.
Commented Jul 21
What a fantastic post. I love seeing people in the middle of self-awareness - it's a wonderful gift to give to those of us paying attention. So see, you're for a good reason - giving others hope for this messed up world. Thank you.
Commented Jul 21
This was a really wonderful read this morning. Thanks :)
Jul 3
you've been added to his favorites list...
mmm...should that make me feel special or something? sometimes i wonder why i am even on this...i mean seriously. so ive had some good conversations and such...and a bit more than that...
right now it feels poopy to post myself like this and have people compliment me who know absolutely shit about me. seriously. of course im gonna lie and put shit forward -and by lie i mean only picking certain things i want to show about myself. so who the fuck cares ya know? did i tell you im bulimic (id like to think im recovering), take meds for being bipolar (tho thats more of a self diagnosis), and depressed? ok. so not so attractive anymore eh? nope didnt think so.
yeah we are all fucked up. right now im feeling it quite a bit and after working with a bunch of rich kids who are ridiculously fucked up and dont care about changing at all makes life seem a bit strange...
rejection sucks but what sucks more is avoiding life and relaity. avoiding the uncomfortableness of feelings i dont wanna feel or sensationsin my body i immediately label as bad, avoided, should be gotten rid of unless i eat or sleep it off or something. we always think there is someone out there for us...poop on that because ya know what...if you cant be happy with yourself, why the hell are you gonna put that pressure on someone else to make you happy. only you can make yourself happy. and if you cant do it by yourself then....yur in trouble and your relationships wont last or be fulfilling anyway. if we all just faced ourselves and our own loneliness which will never go away no matter how much we run from it to others, well i think we'd all get along a little better and the violence wthin ourselves and our relationships mite diminish a bit. enough to smile more than once or twice.
thats all dude. thats it for now...
May 21
a note from my sister on my blog
I'm at the edge of this thought. I can't quite jump into the middle of the sheet and bounce around, but it's something like: just cuz you do what you do or have done what you have done, just because it is or has been destructive in one way or another, it doesn't mean anything about you you. It doesn't add judgement or color or character or non-character or strength or weakness or beautiful or ugly or potential or not potential to you. It just is. And that's all. It's nothing to feel anything about, in particular. I don't know. I'm still trying to grasp exactly what I see the tip off, maybe the more I talk, the more of the sheet I'll be able to grab. anyway....does it make any sense? I guess I'm saying it also isn't a failure. You shouldn't look at it like a failure or a weakness or anything like that. It's just another thread in the quilt of your life and recovery is a different color thread, and...hmmmm...It's not a reason not to keep your chin up and look people straight in the eye, anyway. By the way, I love the article you sent us today. I just read it on break from start to finish. Did you see that she quoted the Oriah Mountain Dreamer (that thing I found in college and fell in love with B.M. for, without realizing that it wasn't him, but the thing he read that made me fall in love?)... yOu know, "I want to know if you can sit with suffering, mine and yours, and do nothing to fix it, change it, move it" or something like that. Anyway, love you (it rings so nicely off my silent tongue). Lata.
May 21
hugs are nice
a hug would be nice right about now...i like hugs. why dont we as humans touch each other more...and why does any form of touch these days only seem to be related to some sort of sexual advance rather than simply connecting...showing affection for another human being of the same species...of comfort...of being calm, peaceful...i like those kind of hugs...
May 12
iz interesting
the rate at which we disclose information to others and the reasons and intentions if any behind that rate...and how the rate itself changes depending on so many variables...interesting to ponder. as i chat and notice that...how it differs from person to person
May 9
does anyone else write or have blogs?
profiles here seem so limited...what goes through your mind stranger? on a day to day basis?a nything intersting? anything more than what small talk would present? mmm...yep...nothings new under the sun eh? actually tho so many things are new to each person unlimited in fact that we seem not to care about...we think we know what life is about. we think our perspecive is it. fuck that man. seriously. i mean why are we so tunnel visioned ? even about our open and tolerant philosophies about the world....
Apr 28
this seems dumb
i mean why am i at home alone pretending to communicate when i could just walk outside, enjoy the fresh air and get to know people, in like real time and space...energetically and stuff...i dont know. this is a strange idea...this type of site. dont really know why im on it except boredeom and curiosity about shit like this...well and i like taking all those ridiculously stupid and way too assuming tests...that are random. meh.
Apr 27
are we all hiding?
i mean it seems like there is this unsaid like expectation to put your best side forth wheterh its true about you or not just so you can get what you want or something...i felt like i was like writing a cover letter doing my profile. its weird how there are certain things we feel like we need to hide from each other in order to fit in or to seem more attractive or this or that bullshit...i guess i play the same game cuz theres stuff on here i guess i wouldnt just blurt out. is that sane or just stupid. just a thot
Friday, August 28, 2009
...and now its august almost september
i was supposed to see p this weekend sometime...then plans changed. i was nervous and then he decided to not stop through...i wonder why. i wonder where he is. i wonder where i am. i wonder. i have one more shift left for my job and then im off to jobfinding land again. im not sure what ill do yet. im not sure what ill do. id like to find a job id like but who knows. what does that mean? id like to work with kids, tweens, or something like that. id like to teach. id love to teach actually.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
new post new post. i havent written for some time now...really its beena while i gotta say. i dont really know what to write. alot and i mean a lot has been going on recently with my job, living situation, people i know, etc. i mean dang yo dang. and i have stuff to do today. im debating whether i should go to a great yoga class or clean up the house...a friend mite be coming over and i dont know when that will be and my room is a disaster as well as what my life looks like from here...so im not sure...will i feel disappointed? sure but there is a nother class on monday i can take for sure. and i can maybe go to one or two tomorrow...and there is always bikram...i wonder if ill take the job in santa fe...im leaning away from it right now but the job im at well its kind of hard i dont feel quite safe emotionally and after working in the boys group, as a woman.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
another 'easter' another day
hi. i was thinking about this time last year when i had an epiphany...about jesus and how we all have potential to be like him...and i mean literally with the same power of love and compassion. not in any religious sense but in a human sense of realizing our potential and tapping into it as human beings. i was full on in my addiction then. i am in recovery now. that feels good. however weak i may feel.
Monday, April 6, 2009
i just got a job doing wilderness therapy again this time in the woods of north carolina and south carolina instead of the desert of idaho. very different terrain. i was in the woods doing the prehire seminar with some cool cats, one woman and five guys for the weekdn...its amazing teh awesome people you meet in the woods in real places. i mean everything is real right but sometime when youar e with people that are more in tune with being in the rpesent moment it feels more real or maybe 'reality' is easier to access when the energy is already inviting you in? does that make sense?
so what is my intention and goal for this job? i was asked to write a 2 page handwritten paper on what my inteitiona nd dieser for doing self healing apprenticeship for four years would be...dont know yet if ill do it but i like writin or puttin purpose to things in my life. writing intetions and being clear becauseit is easier i think to be present in thanfkulness when you can be more specific about things. i have a problem being genuinely grateufl for things because it all seems so vague sometimes but getting the speicific and details is good.
so what is my intention and goal for this job? i was asked to write a 2 page handwritten paper on what my inteitiona nd dieser for doing self healing apprenticeship for four years would be...dont know yet if ill do it but i like writin or puttin purpose to things in my life. writing intetions and being clear becauseit is easier i think to be present in thanfkulness when you can be more specific about things. i have a problem being genuinely grateufl for things because it all seems so vague sometimes but getting the speicific and details is good.
strange times
starnge times when things change. i have parted ways with a beautiful man i have spent life with the past nine months and it is quite a different shift of energy. there is definitely energy moving all through my body yet feels heavy with sadness and wells of tears that im not quite sure where they lie and i feel a stormcoming on any time any day. free yourself i want to free myself to let it flo whenever it needs to. adnn falling back into weakness and old patterns...yesterday..mmph...it sucked but it is what it is right? i guess. and i felt it and feel it and am still here and willing.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
bikram and bellies
i just thot of those two words so i decided to put them in the title. i am reading a really cool book called "entering the circle" by olga kharitidi, m.d. i was just telling amanda that i like reading it because every time i read it i feel inspired. its a crazy way of looking at the world and it makes me feel like...hey i can have any perspective i want of the world and that is just fun. i feel like a kid when i think about it that way. there are infinite possibilities of perspective and realities. it makes me question everything ive thot of as concrete. this book mite not do this for other people but maybe its cuz of where im at right now that makes me wanna do it...question, ask, without expectation of an answer..i think thats the hardest thing to do. but just to put it out there and one day maybe an answer will come or maybe something else will just remind you of the question and you realize how thankful you are for the mind you have that can question and you think about where you've been and how you change and blahblahblah.
i talked to a dude who is running sort of a music school. not institutionalized or anything. has a big space with lotsa instruments and does classes for people i guess. anway i am hopefully gonna lead a yoga class and maybe meditation class there on sunday morning. he was talking about money and how he finally decided tath he doesnt want his world to run by the need for moeny. he wants to just trust that he will do what he loves and loves helping others and then the money will come when i t needs to. is that religious thinking? i dont think so. i think it is a optimistic way of looking at the worl d and a different perspective than a lot of people have. after him saying that and talking to a few other people i mite be rooming with soon about my life and them nailing me that im stuck right now because of lack of confidence to put myself out there,....which is true and afraid of commitment which is true...after hearing those things i felt much better about my life and not sooo down about fuck it man, im such a loser, i have no motivation, and ill never make any moeny. now i can be like...ok i can trust that money will come. stressing over it will not make it come faster. i am not a loser. i am recovering for a grand illness and doing really well right now and have a lot of talents that i can offer others. i have less confidence than i know i really have and can take a chance and put myself out there. why not?
whats to lose?
well i guess assumed or projected rejection because well those two seem to go hand in hand for me. i am afriad of rejection i think others have for me...even if they dont. i am afraid of what being tight and closed off does...of flipping
ya know what/ stop
i am beautiful. i am human. i have potential. unlimited potential just like everyone else. i am like everyone else and i am like no one. i am a jumble of particles bumping into each other that makes an image that others can interact with. thats interesting. yes we are all so interesting.
ok. im gonna read entering the circle now..
i talked to a dude who is running sort of a music school. not institutionalized or anything. has a big space with lotsa instruments and does classes for people i guess. anway i am hopefully gonna lead a yoga class and maybe meditation class there on sunday morning. he was talking about money and how he finally decided tath he doesnt want his world to run by the need for moeny. he wants to just trust that he will do what he loves and loves helping others and then the money will come when i t needs to. is that religious thinking? i dont think so. i think it is a optimistic way of looking at the worl d and a different perspective than a lot of people have. after him saying that and talking to a few other people i mite be rooming with soon about my life and them nailing me that im stuck right now because of lack of confidence to put myself out there,....which is true and afraid of commitment which is true...after hearing those things i felt much better about my life and not sooo down about fuck it man, im such a loser, i have no motivation, and ill never make any moeny. now i can be like...ok i can trust that money will come. stressing over it will not make it come faster. i am not a loser. i am recovering for a grand illness and doing really well right now and have a lot of talents that i can offer others. i have less confidence than i know i really have and can take a chance and put myself out there. why not?
whats to lose?
well i guess assumed or projected rejection because well those two seem to go hand in hand for me. i am afriad of rejection i think others have for me...even if they dont. i am afraid of what being tight and closed off does...of flipping
ya know what/ stop
i am beautiful. i am human. i have potential. unlimited potential just like everyone else. i am like everyone else and i am like no one. i am a jumble of particles bumping into each other that makes an image that others can interact with. thats interesting. yes we are all so interesting.
ok. im gonna read entering the circle now..
Thursday, February 26, 2009
some thots from another of my blogs i pasted here for interest's sake
yeah that is a hard one for me. letting my belly be as it is and letting go of what i think it should be or the expectations i have taken from society and placed upon it. letting go of the expectations to have a thin frame and a thin face that shows my cheek bones very distinctly instead of having cheeks that are round. damn. thats gonna be hard, im talkin gin the future as if i cant be with what is right now. i think those are the two hardest things to be with in my physcial self…oh and my thighs…when i look down. i see a beautiful image in the mirror and looking down i see ugliness and well monster. i was reading a krishnamurti quote just now…
The beauty of listening . . .
The beauty of listening lies in being highly sensitive to everything about you: to the ugliness, to the dirt, to the squalor, to the poverty about you, and also to the dirt, to the disorder, to the poverty of one’s own being. When you are aware of both, then there is no effort, that is, when there is an awareness which is without choice, then there is no effort.
Collected Works, Vol. XV - 61
What a beautiful quote. Listening to the ugly and the dirt. I want to do that. Listening to my response to my bf wanting to separate and hearing the clingy ness that comes up and the dirt and the scum and the selfabsorbed needs as well as the understanding, the feeling that its mutual, etc. Admitting to both and letting it go as thots -that sounded cliche and not like me.
i want you to know that letting go was one of the hardest things ive had to do. let go of the fact that i couldnt do it myself. let go of the fact that i had to go into a TON of debt to take care of myself. and i want to let go into this moment of being here. i feel my belly large and in charge like A says and i love her for her humor. my therapist said or maybe i did i dunno that my belly is a place of powerful intuition and to acknowledge it is to acknowledge a part of me that hasnt been taken care of in a while.
again, i love you with a love i didnt create…a love that exists between us simply because it does and not because it is trying to be acquired or taken or even given. i guess i want to open to the reality that love exists even when we dont acknowledge it and opening to the moment by letting go and letting it be reveals that the love has always been there. let go and let be lyds. please. ok.
The beauty of listening . . .
The beauty of listening lies in being highly sensitive to everything about you: to the ugliness, to the dirt, to the squalor, to the poverty about you, and also to the dirt, to the disorder, to the poverty of one’s own being. When you are aware of both, then there is no effort, that is, when there is an awareness which is without choice, then there is no effort.
Collected Works, Vol. XV - 61
What a beautiful quote. Listening to the ugly and the dirt. I want to do that. Listening to my response to my bf wanting to separate and hearing the clingy ness that comes up and the dirt and the scum and the selfabsorbed needs as well as the understanding, the feeling that its mutual, etc. Admitting to both and letting it go as thots -that sounded cliche and not like me.
i want you to know that letting go was one of the hardest things ive had to do. let go of the fact that i couldnt do it myself. let go of the fact that i had to go into a TON of debt to take care of myself. and i want to let go into this moment of being here. i feel my belly large and in charge like A says and i love her for her humor. my therapist said or maybe i did i dunno that my belly is a place of powerful intuition and to acknowledge it is to acknowledge a part of me that hasnt been taken care of in a while.
again, i love you with a love i didnt create…a love that exists between us simply because it does and not because it is trying to be acquired or taken or even given. i guess i want to open to the reality that love exists even when we dont acknowledge it and opening to the moment by letting go and letting it be reveals that the love has always been there. let go and let be lyds. please. ok.
Friday, January 30, 2009
an unfortunate poem
i feel fat
it's the world that's not right
but that must not be true they say
so it's something wrong with me
im not quite sure what
im not quite sure why
but i feel it some where deep deep inside
and it doesnt wanna leave
the feeling so weird and feels so different
than everything around me
i have try and let others understand
they understand fat
so i must feel fat...
it's the world that's not right
but that must not be true they say
so it's something wrong with me
im not quite sure what
im not quite sure why
but i feel it some where deep deep inside
and it doesnt wanna leave
the feeling so weird and feels so different
than everything around me
i have try and let others understand
they understand fat
so i must feel fat...
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
do you ever...?
do you ever feel like saying fuck u!! damn it! to someone you just can.t who youve paid for something adn do not like what you receieved...
do you ever feel flabbergasted by people's reasoning behind things they do?? i really cant write. im sorry . this sucks. i have to sleep on it or talk it out more. i mite regret it later but hey...i gotta go...
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do you ever feel flabbergasted by people's reasoning behind things they do?? i really cant write. im sorry . this sucks. i have to sleep on it or talk it out more. i mite regret it later but hey...i gotta go...
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Saturday, January 24, 2009
update needed?
yes i do believe it is time...can i just tell you what an awesome book is...
"angry little girls" by lela lee
we girls at the 'tapshack' watched Revolutionary Road today. it was uber depressing and uber real and good. a lot going on in that movie...probably a great book to read. alot of metaphors and a lot of cliches but said in ways and in the context where it could hit home and youd be like oh...yup...true.
can i be philosophical rigth now? well someone might read this. its late. i found in the past few days that going deep into my rebellious teenage side and facing the darkness i felt as a child and letting it come out in a rather safe place even tho simultaneously being completely misunderstood and as a child feeling invalidated well...somehow going to that place and letting it lead me to one of the darkest places i have been in well a long long time...changed something. maybe not big. but it was not like a huge light bulb or something but i felt like its an alternative way to see what you need to see. it was a way of surrendering to the fighting and resisting child within against those who wanted control, obviously out of caring intention but from a place of not understanding or willing to understand because of the irrationality of my following of my enigmatic coping mechanisms that are not foreign to any child i would assume that lives in a place that confuese their deep intuition and pressures them to thinking its NOT the safe place to go or listen to...what was i saying?? oh yeah in surrendering to the child and letting myself be the child i could see something i hadnt seen before. and ironcially i dont exactly know what that is except that i know more of what i want now. and dont want. i know that going back to that child was a necessary part of realizing me and fighting for me and my own self without the need for being understood or validated.
in fighting for me i was fighting for you.
a wise mentor once told me when i asked...what the hell can i do about all the suffereing adn death and war in the world? and he said something like, well what we see is reflections of us so why not figure out how to stop the wars and suffereing and death in yourself and teh answers to the world? i forget now...shut up.
blah blah blah. esoteric -ness smish...
"angry little girls" by lela lee
we girls at the 'tapshack' watched Revolutionary Road today. it was uber depressing and uber real and good. a lot going on in that movie...probably a great book to read. alot of metaphors and a lot of cliches but said in ways and in the context where it could hit home and youd be like oh...yup...true.
can i be philosophical rigth now? well someone might read this. its late. i found in the past few days that going deep into my rebellious teenage side and facing the darkness i felt as a child and letting it come out in a rather safe place even tho simultaneously being completely misunderstood and as a child feeling invalidated well...somehow going to that place and letting it lead me to one of the darkest places i have been in well a long long time...changed something. maybe not big. but it was not like a huge light bulb or something but i felt like its an alternative way to see what you need to see. it was a way of surrendering to the fighting and resisting child within against those who wanted control, obviously out of caring intention but from a place of not understanding or willing to understand because of the irrationality of my following of my enigmatic coping mechanisms that are not foreign to any child i would assume that lives in a place that confuese their deep intuition and pressures them to thinking its NOT the safe place to go or listen to...what was i saying?? oh yeah in surrendering to the child and letting myself be the child i could see something i hadnt seen before. and ironcially i dont exactly know what that is except that i know more of what i want now. and dont want. i know that going back to that child was a necessary part of realizing me and fighting for me and my own self without the need for being understood or validated.
in fighting for me i was fighting for you.
a wise mentor once told me when i asked...what the hell can i do about all the suffereing adn death and war in the world? and he said something like, well what we see is reflections of us so why not figure out how to stop the wars and suffereing and death in yourself and teh answers to the world? i forget now...shut up.
blah blah blah. esoteric -ness smish...
Friday, January 23, 2009
some interesting krishnamurti quotes
We have broken up action
Questioner: In a little village there is a poisonous snake, and there is a woman crying her heart out because the snake has bitten her baby and the baby is dead. I can kill the snake or I can leave it alone. What am I to do?
Krishnamurti: What do you do? Do you wait until you come to this tent to be told what to do? Or do you do something there? You act! If you are callous, indifferent, you don't do anything; if you are moved, you actually, immediately, do something. Sir, all our activity is based on the idea that we must help, that we must be good, that this is right, and that is wrong. All action is conditioned by an idea, by our country, by our culture, by the food we eat. All that conditions our actions because they are based on an idea. When we see that action is approximating itself to an idea and therefore it is not an action, then we will put away all idea and know what action is. It is very interesting to observe how we have broken up action: righteous, immoral, right, true, noble, ignoble, national action, action according to the church. If we understand the worthlessness of such action, then we act. We do not ask how to act, what to do; we act and that act is the most beautiful act at
that moment.
Collected Works, Vol. XVI - 241
Questioner: In a little village there is a poisonous snake, and there is a woman crying her heart out because the snake has bitten her baby and the baby is dead. I can kill the snake or I can leave it alone. What am I to do?
Krishnamurti: What do you do? Do you wait until you come to this tent to be told what to do? Or do you do something there? You act! If you are callous, indifferent, you don't do anything; if you are moved, you actually, immediately, do something. Sir, all our activity is based on the idea that we must help, that we must be good, that this is right, and that is wrong. All action is conditioned by an idea, by our country, by our culture, by the food we eat. All that conditions our actions because they are based on an idea. When we see that action is approximating itself to an idea and therefore it is not an action, then we will put away all idea and know what action is. It is very interesting to observe how we have broken up action: righteous, immoral, right, true, noble, ignoble, national action, action according to the church. If we understand the worthlessness of such action, then we act. We do not ask how to act, what to do; we act and that act is the most beautiful act at
that moment.
Collected Works, Vol. XVI - 241
Friday, January 2, 2009
Friday, December 5, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed...
Thursday, November 27, 2008
a desolate winter amongst colors i can not see...
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colors i cannot see or colors i well rather that i choose not to see i guess. we choose what to see and what not to see. these days i choose to see the desolate aspect of nonlife. of misery, a suffering that extends endlessly into boredom and crazy abysmal holes of self destruction and self distraction away from thinking or being with the confusion that is life in transition. in transition when nothing seems permanent or sensible, where every turn has a sign pointing to misery that others are part of or suffer in, signs that point this way to hell if you choose, this way to well nowhere to heaven. signs point nowhere to heaven. heaven is nowhere. does that make sense? can i say that in a nonfatalistic way? heaven is nowhere. or the cliche heaven is now here. here. here. what is? fuck questions man. fuck em all. questions without answers. those are the signs pointing to hell. i try and i try and i try endless amounts of each day to avoid how these questions without answers make me feel. i try to avoid the feelings, how my body responds. and i go down dusty paths that have no trees, only rocks craggy rocks with sharp points where cutting my foot upon would only yield a dull greyish blood from my foot, nothing that interesting, boring to look at really. so boring that color just doesnt seem to be there. ahh to let my fingers go on this typewriter well i wish it was an old typewriter. i set my eyes on one in a vintage thrift store the other day and was keen on buying it until my bank account told me i had $34. yes. please tell me life is more than stressing over that. so a mac will have to do for now. it has been so dead to me for so long i am thnakful that i can give some expression into its very methodically planned technology that has yielded both poison and hope to millions. well maybe not this mac in particular but pcs and such in general...anyway. hope. i heard yesterday someone say -you need to be courageous to give up hope. give up hope? are you fucking nuts dude? why yes. being nuts means going not just swimming in the other direction, against the flo, it means taking the river and blowing it away in the wind and breathing fresh air. no more clogged lungs filled with waters that confuse our minds and bodies and brains because we arent actually meant to swim in water for long extended periods of time. breathe fresh air. i rarely do. what is it in me that wants to sit inside and look at the beautiful weather instead of be in it/ its a safe haven to be in walls or something. to be comfy in my self induced misery rather than stepping out, even tho i dont know what the hell ill do and be courageous and give up hope. give up hope that change will come in teh future. give up hope that tomorrow will be better than today.
does anyone get that tomorrow doesnt exist yo? i mean, seriously why did we create taht word? i wonder about those cultures and languages where that word, that concept (future) doesnt exist. how are their lives different? are they less more complex? is everything relative when it comes to suffering? sometimes i want to blame all my suffering on linear time. if only i didnt think about the future and what will come next. ya know i was talking to dale the other day and realizing that a lot of my life to my continual dismay i have been bored. i have continued to look to the next moment to be what i want, what is missing. something has always been missing for me, even now...cannot get full enough, but then i get too full and literally want to just vomit it all fucking up...reading a book called dry today about a guy going to rehab for drinking...im at the part where he is being introduced to weirdos there...it was intriguing, dont know why i just wrote that..maybe because im bored writing right now and want to go read. i havent been much of a reader during my life. have you? i always felt like i wasnt getting enough from teh words on the page...and that there must be something more productive to be doing...and then ironically i go and sit and feel bored and try to avoid feeling bored or get mad at the boredrom or myself or something. does that happen to you? cuz even when i was little it happened. my mom said go read a book or every once and a while would suggest doing something and iwould just get angry like duh mom as if i havent thot of that and considrered whether it would be worth doing...and alas i come back to a state of life where there is desolation and boredom amidst a sea so brightly colored and swimming with so many unknown and undiscovered creatures to me (here i go back to water analogies again) that i can only sink to the bottom and stick my face in the sand and moan because i cant see anything. haha.
the humor of our chosen day to day mindsets. the absurdity of our brains to choose certain things over others. so many existential questions come up. esp these days when i question whterhe its worth working a job (after taxes) that comes out to about $5 an hour with no benefits and if the cold dark winter is where i would like to be for now. i can always leave right? but dont i always do that. right when im getting settled. oop, nope, nows the time to rattle everything up again and try and find routine even tho you were just about to melt into it so easily. routine i feel like is my answer to these existential crisis questions right now. but that doesnt seem to be enough. this entire piece feels like a rambling distraction from what is really going on in me that i want to get out. i want to get it OUT!!!! what? are you itnerested...i dont feel like thats true. the song in my head right now..amy winehouse...rehab. they wanna make me go to rehab but i say no, no no. what does rehab do? is rehab good? gives you a chance to be free well forced free from a habit that started before your choosing awareness of it. but what does a month or six weeks of forced absistence do when you know the questions that caused the addiction in the first place are not gonna be answerd in the place that supposedly cures people of their "diseases habits". what if disease whas all that existed. good health was so rare that tit was taboo. what then. or is that actually true. are we all so diesase that we cant not even imagine what health actually is so we simply associate health ith our curresntt state of being. these past two senteneced i have been right ing with my head resting against the illo of the couch closingmy eyes. can yu tell? im beat tired. i could write for another hour i bet. but alas. sleep is gently calling me to health. hah isnt that ironic. hopefully, nope not even gonna go there. what i am gonna do is to say that my head throbs a dullness that moves from one temple to the other. i have an ache in my lower belly that a relaxed cat is breathing into. i need water. im breathing. that is my reality and sensations some of them right now. goodnite. or whatever you are doing. here. here. here. up. here. yup. here.
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